Endings, Beginnings & Continuations: Thoughts as 2007 Comes to an End and 2008 Begins

While reflecting about this year, 2007, there is one word that comes to mind to express my state of mind: anger. I have been angry at God for allowing certain events to happen, at myself, for spending too much money, at people for failing to meet my expectations, which have lead to disappointments, at our government for its shortcomings, at Israel for thinking that Fatah is different from Hamas ultimately, and the list goes on and on.

Some of us feel great comfort in looking at the live of another and using it to measure our own successes or failures, our joys or sorrows. How often do we say, 'well I am not so bad off after all, by comparison to what has happened to someone else.' To me, comparisons of this sort are not very helpful in in finding meaning or understading. Each individual has his/her own pain and sorrow, and attempting to understand it in relationship to what goes on in our own world really discounts others in the end. Although each of us cannot control our fate, we must accept what is, we do have the power to make decision regarding how we are to react to any given situation. We are given that freedom, really, whether we know it or not.

For me, each day is a new beginning. A day I have not yet lived before. It can only be hoped that somehow the past has helped me learn how to respond to the moment. When I become toxic, it is best to remain silent. When others are toxic, letting go and accepting them as they are, not as we want them to be, helps to find that molecule of serenity, peace and freedom.

Pain, sorrow and heartbreak are also a part of each one of our realities. That being said, every day each one of us can begin anew. There is a vast treasure chest out there for us to grab on to, to grow and blossom, to sprout.

A new year marks time. Each one of us has the ability to be present, and to seize the moment, and appreciate and savor the day for what is can bring to us. There will always be endings, beginnings and continuations in our lives.

Thank you for your minds.

Sweeney Todd: The Electricity of TIm Burton & Power of Johnny Deep

Every Christmas, our family, which has been shrinking over the years, has a tradition to see a movie. Some years, have been better than others, but this year, we went to see the dark, brilliantly acted and directed movie, Sweeney Todd. This particular movie is a spellbinding adaptation of the musical by the visionary director, Tim Burton. That being said, this version is not what you might think a musical would be, i.e., full of happy individuals whose lives seem to come together nicely. With breathtaking courage, Burton created a ghoulish, often bloody and dark story, but made it come to life remarkably.

If the truth be told, I am a huge fan of Johnny Deep. Most of us, when we think of Mr. Deep, myself included, think of this gorgeous man with penetrating eyes and a beautiful mouth and body to match. In Sweeney Todd, Mr. Depp's character is not attractive on any level. His eyes are sunken, his face is ashen, and he has a dark, brooding look about him, as if he is a man ready to explode.

Since his acting in Gilbert Grape and Edward Scissorhands, he is a man who takes challenging, often demanding parts, the topic often dealing with the dark, unkind sides of life.As the years have past, I have watched him mature as an actor, and I must say, that his characterization, from stage to screen, of the barber who served a fifteen year jail sentence, for a crime he did not commit, and how this experience hardened him, and his perception of reality. Actually, the story is a testament to how life often deals one a sour hand, with difficult consequences.

This movie is one of the best I have seen in years. Johnny Deep's performance is remarkable. The make-up, the expressions on his face, the use of the body to convey a gloomy view of reality are powerful, intelligent, and electrifying!


The acting in this movie by Helen Bonham Carter, Allen Richman, and Sasha Baron Cohen, makes an appearance, along with a great cast of young actors, who pull the movie together is to see Tim Burton at his finest. Each character has some baggage, and dark side (with the exception of the young sailor lad who meets Mr. Todd at the beginning of the movie), and it is difficult at times to tell who is more cruel and despicable than the other. I hope that the Academy of Motion Pictures honors both Mr. Deep and Mr. Burton this year, and give them the recognition that is long over-due, by bestowing upon both of these men, and the recognition that is long overdue And who knew that Johnny could sing too!

Simply brilliant, truly! Bravo for a job well done.

Thank you for your minds.

Have You GIven Yourself Any Gifts This Season? From Eyeglasses, Handbags, Shoes and Chocolates

During the year, many of

of us receive gifts from loved
ones, family, friends, business associates, etc.

But, what, if any, gifts have you bought for yourself over the past month or so?

As I have posted, I love to shop. This month, I bought myself a new pair of Oliver Peoples glasses. This company is now 20 years old, and when they first established themselves 20 years ago, I bought a pair of cat-eye glasses from them. These are the glasses that I boguth last week, as modeled by the stuffed golden retriever. The frame is called Dorfman, and it is retro and unisex. I am committed to have glasses replace contact lenses from now on. If you look close enough, you will see the bi-focals.

Here is the site for those who are interested. They have awesome, cutting edge lenses, and their quality is fantastic:

http://www.oliverpeoples.com/

And of course, this majestic fake creature is sitting on my own Louis Vuitton purse, which is not fake, although my husband wishes it were.

What gifts have you bought yourself lately? Are you happy with them?

Wishing everyone a joyful holiday season...

Thank you for your minds.

Who Is Reading Your Blog?

I have a tool on this blog called site meter. What this means is that I am able to track individuals by location who read this blog. There seem to be some active, daily readers, although I am not certain that these individuals are actual posters.

We all read blogs for various reasons. For some of us, we enjoy what the person has to say, and feel a genuine connection, enjoying the words and thoughts. Some like to read, but are too shy to post. Others may be, what I would call in Yiddish, yentas, (busy-bodies) and read for the purpose of knowing what is going on in a person's life.

Among those who read frequently is a person who lives in Vienna, Virgina, another in London, England, and one in Raleigh, North Carolina. (I think I know who this latter one is, a wonderful family member.) Additionally, there is someone who reads daily who is from New York, New York, Brooklyn, New York and Houston, Texas, and the United States, and then there is the notorious, but curious ?Unknown!

What can be said, is that there are so many people from each content of the world who come to read the blog created by another person. Visitors range from Australia, to Israel, to Italy and the Philipines. It is amazing how the world wide web can connect us to so many people, places and things that surround us.

As a holiday treat please, I would invite these individuals to please identify themselves by posting so that I can see who you are and thank you for reading this blog every day. I am flattered. I would love to know about Vienna, Virginia, a city that I know nothing about. Since I have been to London (although it was many years ago), please tell me about your city, and what you like about it. Brooklyn, I know well, and New York city is one of my favorite in entire world.

Tell me about yourselves, your cities, and why you come to read my blog. If you are too shy to identify yourselves, or feel that anonymity is best, I do allow those to post under anonymous.

Let me thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and be interested in what is said here.

Thank you for your visits (and, of course, your minds.)

To Grow, Change and Blossom: What We Can Learn from Reading Our Own Blog

'BE KIND, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A GREAT BATTLE.' Philo of Alexandria, (first century Jewish philosopher.)

Today, I allowed myself to do something that, candidly, I had not done before: read my entire blog from first post to last. What a mind-boggling, life-altering experience this exercise can be. In it, we can see our own growth, change, and the course and direction that our lives have taken over the years. Life changes, whether we want it to or not. How we handle such actions is a testament to who we are and how we evolve.

Of note, particularly, is how poetic some of my posts were in the past. For example, there is a titled, "Sleepless in California," written in 2005 and here are some words from that time:

"For the past three mornings now, I have been unable to sleep. I am sure some of this sleeplessness comes from the fact that our son comes home from college today, I have a concert to attend later on, and the blistering heat in Los Angeles leaves makes the sticky air and sweat much more noticeable. After all, it says something to wake up in the morning before the newspaper arrives. Its absence on the front lawn, however, makes present so much more that went unnoticed in the past. The stillness of the morning, as if everything is frozen in time, life as we think it to be coming to a complete halt, but life as it exists flashing like a colorless neon light before our eyes. Unnoticed to me in the past was the peacefulness that existed with the absence of the sound of car tires grinding the pavement like a call of the wild that announces that individuals are here to be heard and take action. Silence is pricey.If I sit still enough, I can hear the first birds singing their high notes, as if being at a symphony in a state of stillness that lets one hear the music as it is supposed to be heard. Unnoticed beforehand was how there existed a direct relationship between the sounds of the birds, chirping in unison, and the presence of sunlight trying to make its way into world, like a baby's head pushing through the birth canal. This observation, of course, may have something to do with my going to Disney Hall this afternoon to hear a concert, but oddly, it is meant as a form of preparation, or a call, if you will, of what I am able to hear if listening properly, with my ears and senses not wildly shut. Also, strangely, I have the melody from a movie soundtrack stuck inside my head., the stunning melodies from Felinni's Juliet of the Spirit.(not the annoying notes by John Williams from the Star War's movie soundtrack, thankfully, although I can bring that one to the surface too, and it can stay, but not in a good way.)It seems, as if what this all says, is that waking up early and being sleepless can bring about great gifts as well. The ability to hear the unrevealed and enjoy its unique sounds. Sleeping, like eating, can be overrated, so for today, I am going to enjoy the morning, as it exists for the moment, still, but warm, with the light trying to make its way into the sky in an uninterrupted form.Pure beauty, as if an invisible magician, a natural alchemist came without anyone noticing,but bringing everything into a stunning view.Thank you for your minds.
posted by BarbaraFromCalifornia "

Today, when I read these words, it is difficult to own them, to think that they were penned by my own hand, and written with this brain. To be candid, it appears as if a stranger wrote them. They are full of electricity and so alive! There is a magic that existed at that time.

And then, of course, there are my many political posts, filled with controversy, and those that became a challenge to so many who read this blog and can remember what I wrote (too many to mention here.) Of course, my feelings about Bush remain the same, and frankly, I am happy that so many others have turned around their own thinking on this issue.

What have these posts helped me to learn from reading them today? That there is a part of me, still, I hope, (perhaps buried deep now) that is lyrical, poetic, that still exists somewhere inside of this brain and body. So long as I continue to be open to new possibilities, and live each moment as it is, this person who seems to be in hybernation will soon again appear.

This year has been such a very painful one as many of you know, consumed by major illness, disappearances, and trauma. It feels as if I have been buried alive in some ways. Each day, I have had to pray for the strength to deal with life as it exists for our family in this moment.

Today, I have enjoyed reading my own blog. It has been an eye-opening experience both emotionally and spiritually, really.

We cannot become a victim of our own circumstances in live, and must always be a participant who remains open to what is, and accept life as it exists in the moment. There are times when I am able to do this better than others, I confess.

My wish for the coming year is that your days are filled with light and endless possibilities.

Thank you for your minds.

Letting The Story Come To The End

Hanukah began last Tuesday night. It is the Festival of Lights, where, for eight days, we kindle the candles of our menorah. Usually, I send out Hanukah cards, either by email or snail mail. This year, because of all of the circumstances surrounding our lives, being the role of caretaker, and having a full time job, I was unable to do so. If the truth be told, I think that my motives were a bit more sinister as well. I wanted to see if anyone would, on their own initiative, rather than as a response to me, send out a Hanukah card. No one send even one.

Last night, it was the fifth night of Hanukah. It is said that this is the superior light in that the flame has encroached upon the darkness and finally made headway. This is the night that the light achieves its own dominance. Last night, strangely, I had a dream that I killed a woman with whom I used to be friends, and for some reason, the relationship ceased, without explanation or reason. The story was noteworthy and the homicide was reported in the front page of the newspaper.

How many of us, ask questions such as why did this have to happen? How come our child became ill, and cannot achieve what we had expected to be possible in the normal progression of reality? Why has that person not sent out an email, come to visit, asked how we are doing, or done what we want? If only these expectations would be fulfilled. Stop being sick, call, send an email, do it, come to our home, it has been so many years since you have been here.

What does this all have to do with the dream I had and its relationship to the light we get from the menorah this time of year? It seems to mean that if we are truly letting go, we must also allow the stories come to an end. Many people who are Harry Potter fans did not want the story to end. They wanted it to continue for their own reasons, whether it be comfort, safety, or security. But in order for us not to become an abuser to ourselves, we must allow these senarios which we hope or wish to be, end forever. Period. Otherwise, we keep asking questions that cannot be answered, and expecting something to happen that, in the natural order of life as it is, just is not meant to be. We do not grow but stay in a state of perpetual frustration, anger, and resentment.

For today, in letting go, please help me to end the story forever.

The end.

A New Body, an Outside Job: Is What we Have and How We look Really Important?

Many of you who are regular readers of this blog know me as a positive, enlighting soul, who sees the glass half full rather than half empty.

This year, has been different, and with all that has transpired, it has been a true struggle to keep my insides in an enlightened state.

Nevertheless, there has been something that has made me feel good, one positive that has unequivocally transpired: I have lost a great deal of weight, and am the same size of ten years ago. Moreover, it is possible to fit into some of my favorite clothing that was purchased many years ago. Considering that this January, I will turn 55, from the outside, all feels and looks alright. No plastic surgery, the lines on my face are evidence of everything that has transpired during this year, and to be candid, I am proud of each and every one of them. For those of you who know me, and those who do not, here is a picture of myself with Argon. Suffice it to say, it is possible that I could be a grandmother to many of you!

When a family member suffers from a terrible illness, it changes one's world completely. What used to be a part of who I am, reading, listening to music, going out with people, laughter, now become an escape from reality. Hopefully, that ability to to get out of one's own pain can prove to be enjoyable too. Good health and peace of mind cannot be underated.

Can we change from the outside and find some comfort and satisfaction? Absolutely. Now, please, let the insides catch up as well...

As Winterwheat (see her full comment below) would say, "It is not how you feel, it is how you look!"

Wishing all who celebrate a Happy Hanukah. May your lives be filled with light....

Thank you for your minds.

Are You What You Blog? What is the Purpose For You?

When I look back over the many posts that were created for this blog, its content and character have grown, and changed direction from its inception.in reality. When this blog was first started, it was done in an attempt to have a place, and serve as a sounding board for my displeasure and hatred of the Bush Administration. The purpose was mainly political, and in order for me not to explode each day, as I watched our country, America, lose its meaning and go in a direction that was ever so scary, I needed to write about my thoughts. Some people shared my beliefs and others were completely in disagreement. Often, there was mud-slinging and although one may agree to disagree, a mean-spirited tone grew out of many of the comments. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the banter, and it was cathartic to let go of my thoughts here about Bush and his posy.

Afterwards, I see that the blog began to change, and it was about my journey into rediscovering my roots as a Jew. Ultimately, by writing, and by many of the comments I received here, I became more observant, thoughtful, and enjoyed doing good deeds for others. My love for Israel grew and resulted in our going to this magnificent country in the middle of the war with Hezbollah in August 2006, a truly unforgettable experience and milestone of our lives.

Fast forward and put these events in the context of life as I knew it. A new job, having to cope with illness of close family members, hospitalizations, and fear, and the blog took on another dimension yet. It became a vehicle for writing about my feelings, emotions and thoughts. More often than not, the hope was that by writing, some of the pain and suffering that was experienced could be transformed one day at a time. Learning to accept people, places and things for what they are rather than what and how I want them to be, is a lesson that I have learned from putting thoughts into words for this blog. If the truth be told, this process has worked over the year and I am grateful for it.

Regardless of what was written here, a great gift emerged from these writings: I met some wonderful individuals, many of who remain my friends today. For this, I am truly grateful. Some of us talk on the phone, exchange emails, and support one another in causes that are important to us.

Are we what we blog? I suppose it depends upon our purpose for why we are here. Some love the comments (count me in please), and blog exclusively for them, and desire the attention, which is the main purpose of the blog itself. There is nothing wrong with this, frankly, if this is your purpose for blogging. For others, blogs are about sharing thoughts, events, ideas, or even theme oriented (attitude of gratitude, one about trees, another about fly fishing.) The content of a blog is as interesting as any human being we may meet in the world in which we live. There are truly no right or wrong answers to the blogging process. A blog can be like a relationship, and it can grow and blossom depending upon what one puts into it.

Today, this blog serves as a memoir, or perhaps, more accurately, a chronicle of life as it exists for me today. Since Gabriel Garcia Marquez is one of my literary heroes, he titled one of his books, Living to Tell the Tale. Although I do not compare myself with this literary giant, still, those words, that we live to tell what happens in our lives, looms larger than life for me, as I ponder why this blog is here and what purpose it is designed to serve.

Writing has helped me grow, and sort through some of the difficult issues of life each and every day. Every day is a new day, and by writing, that message is cast in stone as is the conclusion that everything changes each day too. Nothing lasts forever. For better or for worse, words are my tools, just like notes or paintbrushes are for those who compose music or paint. Writing has also allowed me to let go of thoughts, relationships, pain, as well as give me a means to share joy, happiness and prosperity. This is why I blog. I am what I blog.

Life is short. We must cherish each and every day as it is presented to us. Ultimately, it all ends the same way.

Thank you for your minds.

The Meaning of Loss: From Darkness to Light

As the new month descends upon us, and the last month of the year, there is one subject that seems to have affected so many people I know and love this year: loss in one way or another.

Some of the losses have been tragic, unspeakable, and heartbreaking. These examples have been experienced by people I know in one capacity or another. One couple loss their 22 year old son, who was found murdered, and left naked in the street. The killer has yet to be found. Two other families have loss a family member to a serious mental illness, where their loved ones, who were once vibrant, vivacious and engaging, now are silent, isolated, and unable to participate in the real world as it is known. A friend found out he has an incurable disease, which has devasted him completely. Another woman loss her breast to cancer, and another loss her hair from chemo-therapy. One person's son is in jail for live for murder, and another has loss his ability to ever walk again. Another family member has Alzheimer's disease and cannot recognize his wife, children nor grandchildren. They are strangers to him. There are other losses, which, by seem less dramatic, but nevertheless are tragic, and result in difficult times. For example, some have loss long term marriages or relationships, others lost their jobs, men have loss the ability to be able to have sex with their partner, and women have loss their interest in sex or romance completely. And some experience depression or a loss of interst in pleasure.I know men and women who are estranged from their parents and/or their own children too. Others have loss their homes to everything in one of the California fires. The list, of course goes on and on...We are not alone...
What can we learn from these difficulties, and how can we find the comfort, strength and courage to cope with life during difficult times? Allowing oneself to be so consumed by a loss that he/she fails to live a meaningful life is even a bigger loss, in the realm of all things that happen in the world. Each of us have difficulties in our own lives, and perhaps, for many, as can be seen from the list above, loss is a matter of perspective. That being said, it is also the case that our attitudes, our abilities to be kind, loving and good human being even in the face of loss, and to be able to give freely to others must not be neglected.
Not everyone is able to recover or bounce back to a meaningful life quickly. For some, it takes more time than others. Pain does not last forever, and it is possible to walk through it so that one can get to the other side, where hope, trust, joy and optimism are restored along the way.

Hanukah, the Festival of Lights begins this Tuesday, November 4th. For many of us it is a time to think about exile and miracles, but what reigns supreme over all is the lights that one sees from the candles. For me, this is a reminder that not everything stays dark forever, and that it is possible to experience and enjoy the light once again. For me, each day of Hanukah is special for this very reason, that is, the ability to stay within the light. It is a magical time in which we can literally let go of darkness.

Rabbi Naomi Levy offers a beautiful and comforting prayer for those who experience pain and suffering through loss:"When the pain is intolerable, God, help me to bear it. When I feellost and empty, teach me to see that I am not alone. Show me thatYou are with me. Help me to believe that there is a way out of thishell. If only I could see that my pain will end, and I think I couldlearn to live with this awful agony. Kindle within me the flameof hope, God and I will carry on."

May the month of December be one in which so many of you can experience something positive, and may light come into your lives each and every day.

On an unrelated note, but one that is discussed in the post below, it is two days now since I have shopped, that date being November 29th. Most of my recoveries have happened in November. I am taking this one too, one day at a time.

Thank you for your minds.