Did I Really Say That?
Certainty, most, if not all of us, can recall times in our lives when we have said something that we later regret, or feel as if we could take back. If only those words had not been said, we utter, or what was I thinking when I made that kind of lame comment, or asked that personal question?
Last night, I was talking on the telephone with my son, who is 22 and living and working in Hawaii now. He knows that these past couple of weeks have been difficult for me, and since he is used to talking with a mother who seems to be of help, and is a positive person who puts most things in life together, instead of tearing them apart, or comes up answerless, he has not been speaking to me that often, preferring the conversation of my husband instead.
Last night, he was headed to his holiday party at work when I called him on the telephone. I asked him how his day was, we chatted for a moment, and then I asked the question that should not have been asked? "Son, do you think you are going to be getting married soon?" First there was silence, then I heard a voice that seemed strange to me, emphatically say, "No." Well, that did not stop me from continuing with my questions, and I started, what my husband calls, 'the speech,' how important it is to find a Jew to marry, and how I wish he would have children in the very near future. Before I knew it, he politely said, "you know, I really have to go now." I said, but let us talk a few minutes more, and he said, "no, I have to go. Talk to you later." It seems as if I have turned into my grandmother, is my conclusion! At that point, I knew, I had crossed the line of no-return. My husband was chanting "I told you not to talk to him about that issue in the background." Actually, as much as do not wish to admit it, I think my husband was completely right.
Here is the question of the day: What have you said to someone close to you, or not so close, that you have later regretted saying?
Thank you for your minds.
Last night, I was talking on the telephone with my son, who is 22 and living and working in Hawaii now. He knows that these past couple of weeks have been difficult for me, and since he is used to talking with a mother who seems to be of help, and is a positive person who puts most things in life together, instead of tearing them apart, or comes up answerless, he has not been speaking to me that often, preferring the conversation of my husband instead.
Last night, he was headed to his holiday party at work when I called him on the telephone. I asked him how his day was, we chatted for a moment, and then I asked the question that should not have been asked? "Son, do you think you are going to be getting married soon?" First there was silence, then I heard a voice that seemed strange to me, emphatically say, "No." Well, that did not stop me from continuing with my questions, and I started, what my husband calls, 'the speech,' how important it is to find a Jew to marry, and how I wish he would have children in the very near future. Before I knew it, he politely said, "you know, I really have to go now." I said, but let us talk a few minutes more, and he said, "no, I have to go. Talk to you later." It seems as if I have turned into my grandmother, is my conclusion! At that point, I knew, I had crossed the line of no-return. My husband was chanting "I told you not to talk to him about that issue in the background." Actually, as much as do not wish to admit it, I think my husband was completely right.
Here is the question of the day: What have you said to someone close to you, or not so close, that you have later regretted saying?
Thank you for your minds.
17 Comments:
I say things alot i regret, usally when Iam arguing w/someone, that is the time my emotions seen to take over. By practice & regret, I can cotrol myself, usally. But, I do get my buttons pushed, sometimes. Being around my mentally Ill daughter is like walking in eggshells. It is easy to set her off innocently.
BTW, Iwasn't that depressed on my blog. I wanted to put one of my paintings up & the title seemed appropiate. I had a commentary to go w/it, but lost it by messing w/the HTML.
CHOW!
I'd have to say it was about five or six years ago, when I told The Missus she "hijacked" the kids and was excluding me from raising them. It was very hurtful, as she's the mother of the century.
In reality, I was working too much, and not participating in their lives becasue I was fried from the corporate world.
It was completely my fault, yet I blamed it on her. We both got over it, I left for teaching, so things have completely turned around.
I should have never said that.
I have this afinity for feet in my mouth: often I say the absoulte wrong thing due to speaking before thinking.
The most obnixous thing I ever said has a story that goes along with it.
I used to be an EMT/Firefighter for a small upper class community in Massachusetts. My friend Mark and I, also an EMT/Firefighter, joined the department at the same time. Mark had been and EMT/Firefighter for a bunch more years than I and had been driving ambulances and firetrucks for quite some time.
One day while sitting and talking with the chief, two of the fire department lieutenants, and Mark, the chief asked me "Why do you think we let Mark drive the trucks but not you?"
My reply?
"I don't know. He sucks a better dick than I do."
There was a stunned silence for a couple seconds, then I said "Ohmigod, did I just say that out loud? That was supposed to be internal voice, not external voice. Look at the time, I gatta go" and then I bolted out the door.
No one ever said another word about it. But I never forgot.
I rarely lose my temper..but when I do..I say whatever I feel like saying, which can get me into trouble.
The important thing is not to rationalize it afterwords..but to fess up and say you're sorry.
The list is long and embarrassing!
The one thing that I said that I knew better about was...(my daughter was going to get married in June and she called me up and said that she and her now husband, wanted to get married in one month). I opened my stupid mouth and said...Are you pregeant? She was shocked and I was shocked that it even came out of my mouth. I knew better...It was soooo stupid on my part. They wanted to get married sooner so that she wouldn't do something that would get her in that condition. After that, she called me up and said the she was getting married in 9 days...Shocked again.
i told him:she'll never go out with u..should have let him keep trying..
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I am always putting my foot in my mouth .. so like PC, my list would be too long.
By the way Barbara, what if your son chooses not to marry a nice Jewish girl?
I try to hold my tongue, but sometimes when I get hurt/angry/frustrated, I just cannot keep my mouth shut and I let go. It doesn't happen often, but when I blow, I blow.
This excellent post reveals I think a deep secret about the power of words. Words and thoughts are intimately linked. How else do you explain why I feel stupid just because I said something stupid? OK, so you said something stupid, get on with your life! But it's not that simple, because we intuitively know that words are intimately linked to thought. Ergo, if he said something stupid, he must be stupid!
And we want to reply (to this unspoken comment), "No, that wasn't the real me! That was some child in me that I'd thought I'd buried long ago! Let the band start playing again!"
Speech is the concretization of thought, which is why Jewish wisdom teaches to be especially careful about how we speak and praises those who somehow manage to guard their tongues. What bothers me is, how do you learn how to do that?
I have said a bunch of things but I don't think that I am ready to share them here.
It seems as if we have ALL said more than our fair share of what we wanted to say and regretted it later on. Like most of you, my list is long and rather embarassing.
I think the Rabbi brings up an excellent point when he asks, how do we refrain from saying these words in the first place? Most of the time the words we regret are hurtful in some way. Whether I admit it or not, my asking my son, or rather telling him, he should think about marriage is not a kind thought to him, even though I am thinking about it now.
Thankfully, today, I have learned to bite my tongue, and can refrain from saying hurtful words to my friends and loved ones more times than not. It takes practice, patience, and the ability to see let go of our thoughts on the inside so that they are not expressed out loud.
I have a fear of turning into my Mother or Grandmother....which is really kinda funny because I want to cook just like them and my most fond memories are with them...and the traditions that have been carried out thru the years...I do them with my Daughter!!!
This question haunts me everyday and has for years....Did I really say that??......I was 10 years old...and my Sister was like 4 weeks old....and everything was out of wack with a new baby in the house....and I got mad at my Mother and said....I wish my sister would die....Of course that was coming from a 10 year old child....That was the last time I ever said anything like that....But now that my Sister has passed...them words eat and eat at me.....More so now than ever!!!
Have a great day!!!
I try my best to not say hurtful things - I most of the time think before I speak, so a lot of the things I might regret saying never get said. But sometimes one says things one doesn't know will be hurtful - and that's even more difficult!
Most of the time I regret NOT saying something...
as a comment to what Lori says, though - I've heard about a thousand times how I (without knowing it) said I looked forward to my mum's death when I was five... *lol* My mum was all serious and told us that if something would ever happen to her my sister and I would have to go and live with my favorite uncle and his wife. and my reaction was: "Oh! I look forward to that!" - of course I didn't connect WHY I'd end up at my uncle's..
All the time, luckily my family and friends know by now that I flap out things, everyone knows I never mean to hurt.
I don't think you were wrong saying what you did, you're a Yiddische mamme and this is important to you, he has the right to have a different opinion than you but I don't think there's anything wrong with letting him know ho how YOU feel.
I've said things I regret. Usually I say stupid things not meant to hurt anyone although sometimes what I say ends up hurting someone. I apologize if I become aware of it.
Like Nerdine, what I regret the most though are things I did NOT say especially when it involved an injustice.
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