When is Doing Something for Your Spouse or Partner Too Much to Ask?
It is a complete certainty that most of you know by now that I am a deep thinker. In addition to what percolates and transpires inside of my brain, it is also the case that I like to read deep books, either fiction or non-fiction, and watch movies that are provocative and meaningful. As mentioned, I have a large book collection, and have read more than 150 books alone on the Holocaust. It is a subject, that although painful, is one that I feel obligated and interested in reading about.
One of my favorite books on the Holocaust has just been made into a movie: Fateless by Nobel Prize winner Imre Kertesz. This book is a unique look into the pain and horrors of this time through the eyes of a teen-aged boy who was uprooted from his middle class home in Hungry and sent to the concentration camps.
My husband refuses to read any books or watch any movies about the Holocaust. He is not a child of a survivor nor did his family perish during these times, but the subject is just too painful for him, and it makes him hate the world even more. From my perspective, I understand how he feels, but to have this blanket rule, especially for a Jew, to watch nothing nor read nothing about the Holocaust is disturbing to me.
Of course, the possibility exists that I can go see this movie alone, or with a friend, but it made me think about when and under what circumstances we compromise for our spouses or partners.
Here is the question of the day: If your spouse or partner asks you to do something that you find upleasant, would you do it to make him/her happy? Where do you draw the line, and how do you compromise?
One of my favorite books on the Holocaust has just been made into a movie: Fateless by Nobel Prize winner Imre Kertesz. This book is a unique look into the pain and horrors of this time through the eyes of a teen-aged boy who was uprooted from his middle class home in Hungry and sent to the concentration camps.
My husband refuses to read any books or watch any movies about the Holocaust. He is not a child of a survivor nor did his family perish during these times, but the subject is just too painful for him, and it makes him hate the world even more. From my perspective, I understand how he feels, but to have this blanket rule, especially for a Jew, to watch nothing nor read nothing about the Holocaust is disturbing to me.
Of course, the possibility exists that I can go see this movie alone, or with a friend, but it made me think about when and under what circumstances we compromise for our spouses or partners.
Here is the question of the day: If your spouse or partner asks you to do something that you find upleasant, would you do it to make him/her happy? Where do you draw the line, and how do you compromise?
17 Comments:
when i'm faced with the situation of doing what my partner is asking and i don't want to do it ... i say that i don't want to and why ... if she still wants me to go despite what i said, i trust she needs me there more than i don't want to do it and i do it. i know she would do the same if it were reversed.
Keep in mind that some men fear having a strong emotional reaction in public (which they may even define as "in front of my wife"). I'm curious -- why is it so important to you that he share these things with you? I'm not questioning your desire, just asking about its source, because he's most likely sensing and responding to that. Is it that you want to talk to him about it and share emotional reactions? Is it that you need his emotional support to endure it yourself? Is it that you think he *should* be exposed to such material as a Jew, even if the result is a very negative emotional experience for him?
I for one have trouble watching rape scenes in movies, even though I've never been raped. It's too much for me. If a dear friend asked me to watch with her to give her emotional support, I could probably marshall the courage to go through with it. But if she implied that I had an obligation to watch as a woman, I'd feel manipulated and consequently resist. A lot has to do with the framing of the request. Do you look down on him for refusing to expose himself to this material? If he senses that you do, that might be one source of his resistance. Relationships, after all, are complicated. Just a thought...
I think it all depends on the topic.....I wouldn't do it just to make him happy....if it's making me unhappy.....But we've all done things we don't want to do....for different people in our life....Where I draw the line is....If I feel it's totally wrong!!!.....Compromise...talking it out!!!
Have a great day!!!
(Found you via Tania)
A provocative question: elisa, winterwheat and lori have all given thoughtful responses and I would only echo the sentiment that the deciding factor for me, as a husband, would be if my spouse needed my support.
On this particular topic I am with your husband - I can at least really understand him. Although I HAVE seen films, read about it in books and even been to a concentration camp in east Germany. I know myself well enough to know that if I see a film etc on this topic I will have nightmares. The images stays with me for years. I'm grateful for my courage to actually visit a concentration camp, but the huge piles of clothes, shoes, hair, etc etc, the pictures on the walls there, the visit to the "shower room" is etched into my mind so clearly I never have to visit one again.
But if a loved one really NEEDED my support to go I would. Even if it would break my heart.
I share your husband's sentiments on books and movies about the holocaust
See my
post about the subject.
I will go through great lengths to make my wife happy or to comply with one of her many requests.
However in your particular case, you're not asking him to do something he doesn't want to, you're asking him to something that makes him very uncomfortable.
In my opinion that shows a lack of respect towards him.
Since you have other options, that won't make watching this movie a lesser a experience, I would think it's wrong of you compel your husband to join you.
Some interesting answers here.
I have been to Dakau in Germany when my son's orchestra toured the country, this stop was on the itenarary. It was very difficult, and I cried the entire time.
Additionally, I saw the Pianist alone. During the movie I was fine, and when it was over, I could not leave for almost 15 minutes and was crying as well.
There is nothing easy about the Holocaust. I feel an obligation in a way to those who died to keep the memory alive, and consequently read voraciously on the subject and watch movies as well. I had not thought about needing support before, but maybe that is a factor, and something that I would like from my husband. I review books for a Jewish publication, and many of them are on the Holocaust.
I suppose everyone has a certain comfort level when watching movies or reading books. For example, I do not like scarey movies, like the Exorcist or Steven King novels, but I cannot begin to compare those, even in any way with Holocaust and literature and cinema.
I see all sides, however, and I know it is not fair to make my husband uncomfortable either.
Here is another question I thought about:
Is it necessary sometimes to leave our comfort zones when duty calls? For example, most people do not like to visit the ill in the hospital. Do we compound the pain of a loved one by doing nothing? Do we as Jews have a duty to keep these images and stories alive by bearing witness to them through others? Just a thought, and a question without an answer for everyone.
visiting at the hospitale is a must - at least for me... All I can think of is "if it was me lying there I'd like some visitors". Even if I have only five minutes, I'll do it. No question...
Another excellent question. It depends on the situation. I can identify with your hubby's viewpoint about the Holocaust. It's so painful that I avoid reading up too much on it. I can read the scholarly treatises but I can't, and don't want, to read anything from a personal perspective. Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place made me cry, and it has haunted me for many years. The Diary of Anne Frank was more palatable because we never read of the torments she and the family went through after the diary ended, but it got the terror and incipient evil across to the reader.
Ultimately, if it will do me more damage than good, I would refuse to do it. But it's up to each of us to decide where that line is drawn.
eshet,
Most of the books I read are written by survivors or children of survivors. This is a personal choice, but I feel that if they have the strength and courage to write about such an experience, I, as a Jew, also have a duty to read about it. This is only my opinion, and understand it is not shared by everyone.
I do some things with my husband that I would rather not, but not everything. He can't go alone to many things now, so I have to "give" more.
"I feel that if they have the strength and courage to write about such an experience, I, as a Jew, also have a duty to read about it."
This clarifies things. You feel that DH shares this duty. He knows it and he's resisting. I seem to remember a certain post about a son resisting his mother's suggestion that he get married soon. :-)
Smart women rarely choose to marry or raise pushovers. This might just be the burden you have to bear. In the meantime, maybe consider switching from stick to carrot? I'm envisioning a dinner party with people who've seen the same films or read the same books who can talk about them with you. It always sucks to be the only one at the table who can't participate in an interesting conversation. ;-)
(p.s. My bias here, but I think the worst way you can try to motivate someone is through appeals to duty, i.e., "shoulds". Such appeals are usually delivered in a disapproving tone, and no matter how noble and justified they may be, they are consequently perceived as manipulative by all but the most submissive people. In social psych there's a theory called "reactance" [author Brehm] that pertains to the desire to restore one's sense of personal freedom by doing the exact opposite of what one is commanded to do. DH may be a high-reactance person. If so, you have to deal with him as he is, not as you wish him to be. You're welcome to disagree, but I think you're wasting your energy and setting yourself up for continued disappointment by using appeals to duty with him.)
I would do anything for The Missus. The only compromise is the "when" part if it's negotiable. I'm sure she would do the same for me.
Hello B,
I do small things I do not particularly want to do for my DH all the time. I would not, however compromise my morals, values, or sense of self for him.
Maybe these things would haunt your husband and make him FEEL things he would not know how to handle. As a person who "feels too much" I understand why your husband may want to stay away from that.
My mother made me watch movies and read about the Holocaust as a child because of where I am from.
Even though it is horrible, I am truly glad she exposed me to that. It is important.
You would love the Holocaust Museum in DC. Amazing.
I am reading Night right now by Elie Weisel. I know it is an Oprah book (peh peh peh) but it is very good, and sad, and haunting.
when there is an issue that noone will compromise the best is never to talk about it again
Some interesting answers here.
Personally, I'm going to go against the grain. I'd do anything my wife asked me. I trust and know her well enough to understand that she'd never ask me to do something immoral or the like, so I'll exclude that possibility.
It's not that I'm weak-willed. On the contrary, I'm one of the most willful people I know. But if you can't ask your own spouse for a thing when you have a terrible, deep need, who can you ask? So I hope that if I have a real need for something, my wife will oblige, and I always try to pay upfront by fulfilling her needs, whatever they may be.
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