Making Amends
Waking up, and early, I might add, my mind was clear, focused, and I realised it was time to turn the page of the calendar to begin a new month. The last day of Passover (tomorrow I can eat a sandwich again, the first day of May.) As I reached for that thumb tack to turn back the old month, the head of the tack glazed my finger ever so slightly. It made me aware of the fact that April was behind me, and now there was May to begin. As I looked back, I thought about what I could say about April that had made some remarkable difference to me. So much happends to each and every one of us, day after day, improving the quality of our lives, or giving us a window for gratitude. For me, April was a time when I was able to make amends to someone for my own poor behavior. It had taken many years for this opportunity to be presented to me, but once it was there, it was as if a magical wand had taken hold of my being, swirling around like a whirling dervish, allowing a peaceful place to be created in my heart.
Apologizing to others is no easy task. It requires honesty and willingness to say we are wrong, and that we have acted poorly, without expectation of anything in return. (i.e. the other person saying I know, I accept what you did and I forgive you or understand.) In my case, the apology was met with silence, but the peace and serenity that I found from my own act was worth more than any words that could be given to me in exchange.
As I have noted in my other posts, my greatest gifts today, are a quite mind and peaceful heart. Having that sledge hammer chisel away, creating a place for that space is a daily exercise in self-awareness and honesty. As I start this new month of May, my mind is quieter and my heart is more peaceful.
Do you believe in making amends to others? Share a time when you have done so and what impact it has had on your life?
Thank you for your mind.
Apologizing to others is no easy task. It requires honesty and willingness to say we are wrong, and that we have acted poorly, without expectation of anything in return. (i.e. the other person saying I know, I accept what you did and I forgive you or understand.) In my case, the apology was met with silence, but the peace and serenity that I found from my own act was worth more than any words that could be given to me in exchange.
As I have noted in my other posts, my greatest gifts today, are a quite mind and peaceful heart. Having that sledge hammer chisel away, creating a place for that space is a daily exercise in self-awareness and honesty. As I start this new month of May, my mind is quieter and my heart is more peaceful.
Do you believe in making amends to others? Share a time when you have done so and what impact it has had on your life?
Thank you for your mind.
5 Comments:
Beautiful post, B. I have given lots of thought to this question. I was raised by a mom who was/is incapable of accepting responsibility for causing others pain. It seems that most kids in abusive relationships with a parent either end up just like the parent or totally opposite. I went the opposite route and became a chronic apologizer.
Case in point: Once I was coming out of a restaurant with my graduate advisor. This guy was flying down the sidewalk on his bike and slammed on the brakes. His wheel stopped mere inches from my leg. I looked up at him in shock and said, "Oh! Sorry!" He grunted and went on his way (wrong way down a oneway street, on the sidewalk where it's illegal to ride a bike anyway). My advisor said, "Why on earth did YOU apologize? He should have been the one to apologize!" Old habits die hard, I guess.
Years later I discussed this tendency of mine with a trusted older friend who told me, "Why not save apologies for times when you have violated your own personal code of ethics?" I think this makes a lot of sense. But in the years since I have softened a bit from this position. Now I am willing to apologize for times when I did NOT violate my own code of ethics, but my behavior hurt someone anyway. Saying sorry doesn't mean saying, "I was wrong to do/say XXX." It means saying, "Regardless of my reasons for doing/saying XXX, I am very sorry that my actions/words caused you pain." There's great freedom in being able to say that, and saying it brings great peace.
One of my brothers was very physically abusive of me throughout my childhood. He called me several years ago to offer an apology of sorts. He started out beautifully but then followed it up with an excuse: "I'm sorry about that but you don't know what *I* was experiencing." My heart sank. Real apologies aren't about making excuses, they're about acknowledging and taking ownership of our role in having caused harm to others.
I think this is why apologizing can be so empowering. When we apologize we must acknowledge to ourselves the incredible power we have to affect the lives of others. It's tough biting the bullet and saying sorry, but the upshot is the reminder that what we say and do ACTUALLY MATTERS.
Winterwheata & bridger:
For me, making amends is not just about saying words, "I am sorry." It is about chances in behavior that go along with those words.
(such as not acting that way again) Of course, the amends may start with the words and the actions follow, or in some instances, vice-versa. What is important is not so much how the other person takes what we have to say, but how it can cause a freedom in us by doing these steps.
Freedom can come, as both of you have illustrated in some type of lesson, such as having someone tell you that you are not the one who needs to apologize, or by receiving a letter, as you did bridger knowing that your words made a difference the life of another person.
Thank you both for your posts!
Without going into details that do not need to be made public, yes, I did make amends to a person who was very hurt (and the family of this person even more hurt) by something I had done.
It had been over ten years since this happened, and after going through some soul searching (with the help of my sponsor in my 12 step program) she advised me that I needed to figure out, would I be extending an apology to this person to ease my own guilt or did I really mean I was sorry? And, most of all, if I contacted this person whom I had not seen in that many years, would I be doing more harm than good?
I decided not to call the person directly, but I sent the person an object that the person had given me. I enclosed a note saying I was sorry, and that I should have returned the object sooner.
A few weeks later the person called. We spoke briefly and that was the end of the contact.
It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and I say 'had to do' because I did have to do it.
That chapter of my life came to a gentle close. I cannot really undo history, change what I had done, or remove the effect of my actions from that family, but I did finally stop looking back.
Thank you for this sensitive topic. I was not going to write about it, but it's my own lesson, and what I have learned is that I won't wait that long to make amends when I need to do it. I carried a very sad and dark secret burden for a long time. I don't have to carry it any more.
When I hurt someone I make it a point to apologize right away. I found it far easier to admit my guilt that to sit and wallow in it. I have no problem accepting others apologies if they are heartfelt.
There was abuse that happened to me in the past, it's resulted in my being a self-injurer since childhood and while the abuser has never apologized to me about it - it's never been discussed. I am past that and have to focus more on how it's affected me.
Last year during the presidential election I got an e-mail that both hurt and offended me by a close friend and I (as I often do) spoke up about it in a private e-mail. After that, all was forgiven or so I thought.
My friend's wife who was also one of my close friends took offense that I had taken offense to the e-mail and chose to punish me as a result. Although we had seen each other at social events, she ignored my phone calls and even refused to attend my birthday party.
I then confronted her about it in an e-mail as she refused my phone calls and explained why she was avoiding me.
I then explained to her why I was originally offended and that all had been forgiven regarding the e-mail but it was going to take a long time to forgive them for their behavior as a result of it.
It's been almost a year and I've not yet forgiven them, after ten years of friendship I deserved better treatment than that!
Actually, making amends gave me freedom, in ways that were unknown to me in the past.
First, it allowed me to apoligize for my behavior to the person injured, most important of all. Secondly, what emerged was a different picture of the other person involved, as someone who was not so perfect, having warts, imperfections, and many character defects. Sometimes, we tend to see in others what we want to see, and our vision is myopic, having little to do with reality. Today, I see a deeply flawed, imperfect person involved. This was very freeing for me.
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