Love and Friendship: With or Without Strings?
This past weekend, while going to visit my cousin, I stopped to think about the meaning of love.
How often do we, as people who love or even like someone do something for them without strings attached? For example, do we give with the expectation of getting something back for ourselves, or are our acts unconditional in any way, shape or form?
The reason I have asked these questions, is because I myself look at how I relate to people I love, and even those I like. There were times in my life when I felt as if I was giving something of myself, when the truth of the matter was that it was only with the expectation of some type of self-fulfilling or gratifying return. When we do something for another, are our acts truly selfless, or do we do them with ourselves in mind?
I suppose if the truth be told, I am guilty of both: that is to say, I give, at times, with the expectation of a return, whether it be material, physical or spiritual, and there are other times when I give, unconditionally, without strings. Even when I went to visit my cousin this past weekend, it was said, that my act of love and good deed would come back to me in some way. Is this really what I had in mind when I went on the trip? No, absolutely not, as when I look honestly at my motives, the goal was to do something kind and loving for her alone. Certainly, having something nice come one's way is a bonus, but not a necessity.
Here is the question of the day: Do you give with the expectation of receiving, conditionally, unconditionally? Is it really all about our motives that draws the line from holding some hostages to our hearts, or birds to our souls?
Thank you for your minds.
How often do we, as people who love or even like someone do something for them without strings attached? For example, do we give with the expectation of getting something back for ourselves, or are our acts unconditional in any way, shape or form?
The reason I have asked these questions, is because I myself look at how I relate to people I love, and even those I like. There were times in my life when I felt as if I was giving something of myself, when the truth of the matter was that it was only with the expectation of some type of self-fulfilling or gratifying return. When we do something for another, are our acts truly selfless, or do we do them with ourselves in mind?
I suppose if the truth be told, I am guilty of both: that is to say, I give, at times, with the expectation of a return, whether it be material, physical or spiritual, and there are other times when I give, unconditionally, without strings. Even when I went to visit my cousin this past weekend, it was said, that my act of love and good deed would come back to me in some way. Is this really what I had in mind when I went on the trip? No, absolutely not, as when I look honestly at my motives, the goal was to do something kind and loving for her alone. Certainly, having something nice come one's way is a bonus, but not a necessity.
Here is the question of the day: Do you give with the expectation of receiving, conditionally, unconditionally? Is it really all about our motives that draws the line from holding some hostages to our hearts, or birds to our souls?
Thank you for your minds.
22 Comments:
I strive to love without strings attached. The same with giving. In the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I have found a forum for loving without conditions. A true fellowship, like those surviving a sinking ship.
Having recently adopted a new puppy who, when I return home, is interested in only being with me is one of the greatest experiences we can have of unconditional love. His name is Bunny, which was my Mom's nickname.
I like to think that I give of myself without the expectation of anything in return. But I'm sure that I'm fooling myself. I do at least expect a "thank you."
But I can love without expecting love in return.
I think the only type of love that is truly uncoditional..is love of children..
I'd do anything for them...even though I know that there's nothing in it for me...
Great post.
I've seen this so much by myself.
I do something for someone, honestly believing I do it with no other intention than to help that person. Later in retrospect, I find I may have had several motives.
For this reason people that work with the deceased, and only them, are performing what is called chessed-shel-emes(charity for real), because obviously they do not expect anything in return.
I"m a reserved giver. I only give what others give. That is, if they don't put much into the relationship, I don't.
Over the years I've struggeled with giving too much of myself and being hurt when I was taken advantage of, that's why I've become a reserved giver.
Great comments! I know while writing this post, I too had to take an honest look at myself.
The points made about AA by Scott W and Pragmatician giving to the dead (which is true giving) are excellent ones. In AA, however, even when we give, it is said that we receive, so in some way, we are getting something back.
Giving to the dead is something extremely interesting to think about. I know as Jews, we are obligated to say Kaddish for 11 months for a parent and sometimes a loved one who dies, yet we too, benefit in many ways, as our own grief abates.
Perhaps the perfect person loves unconditionally, but as I've never met a perfect person, I have to say that none of us does that completely, all the time.
I think it's fine to strive to love unconditionally, but it is also wise to realize that most people don't. And you need to protect yourself and be aware of that. In other words, loving unconditionally is one thing; trusting unconditionally may be another.
I was always brought up w/the notion that true love involves sacrifice.
For instance in the romantic sense, sacrifice is one of the things that makes love different then lust.
Or there is the saying, "You pick your friends, but are stuck w/your relatives."
Sometimes, relatives involve sacrifice, i.e. love.
I remember when my husbands grandmother who had severe alzheimers(sp?) was put in a nursing home. My husband had loved her very much & was so sad that hardly no one besides him would make the effort to visit her. Even her own son (my husbands father), who said, It was too hard for HIM to see his mother like that.
I remember my husband said, "He's supposed to be doing it for her well-being, not his."
I think this illustrates the difference.
I’m 100% in favor of unconditional love. I give my love and friendship freely and without expectation. However, I am selective about whom I chose to give my love, and whom I trust.
Having been burned plenty of times in my life (who hasn’t?) I choose friends based on a few simple, but important criteria: respect, honesty, trust, and kindness. Beyond this, when I choose to give my time, effort, friendship, and love to others, it is unconditional. I don’t expect anything in return. If a person fails to show me respect, honesty, or kindness, I go my own way and let other person go theirs.
If one consistently has expectations on friendship and love, one is destined to be disappointed. Loving unconditionally is a critical part of all my dearest friendships.
Actually, I am uncertain whether there is such a thing as complete unconditional love, as even our pets want to be fed and taken care of to some extent. This does not, however, negate the fact that there can be acts that demonstrate love without strings.
For example, this complete stranger, whom I met on the blog circut is saying Kaddish for my father (twice daily for one year). I do not even know who this person is, but I consider his act to be one without strings. That being said, I think pragmatician has made an excellent point about doing acts for the dead and that these are truly without strings.
The thing about giving, making sacrifices and loving, is you get something back whether you expected/hoped for it or not. It can be good bad or disappointing. It can come from within yourself (like a sense of virtue and release) or from the person you've gifted.
And if you burden yourself with the idea that you ought to be getting some return, you'll probably miss what you could really have had.
And sometimes nothing! No good feeling, no prizes, no thanks, nothing. Oh well. Another time:)
and thanks Barbara, I'm now definitely going to visit my father inlaw this weekend...we've talked me into it :)
I kinda flow with the idea that mig just stated. Only, to open it a little more, when you do good, it ripples out and has so many positive effects along the way, good things also come back almost echo-like.
You don't have to expect it, it doesn't matter. You do what you do, and the good continues and everyone around the good thing gets blessed with the good, and when they in turn do a good deed, then the ripple gets stronger and even more folks get the good splashed on them.
Then, aren't most blessed some way to be able to do this blogging shtuff? You have to have some form of basic good thing happenning to ya for what yer doing right now.
Hi Barbara! A thought came to me this evening about the topic on words, but when I popped in to share I realized that you'd removed it. Please forgive me for commenting off topic (and please feel welcome to delete this if you wish, of course). What I wanted to share was this:
Last year I read a book called "The Secret Life of Water," by Masaru Emoto. In this book, Emoto shares the results of his experiments with water, revealing more tangible evidence of the lifeforce in water.
One of the tests he uses to observe the lifeforce in water is words. Emoto's book shows images of water crystals affected by certain spoken words. Words like "love" effect beautiful, well-formed crystals, while expletives result in deformed crystals.
You might enjoy reading this book, although I really don't know whether or not it's your cup of tea. ;)
Anyhow, there's my thought for the evening. Cheers!... JLB
JLB - This book, by its very name, sounds enchanting.
I am sorry, but the prior post has been saved in draft mode, as someone continued to make inappropriate comments on the blog, and I do not have the time, nor interst to continue to to delete them. I will re-post it hopefully in time, as there were some fantastic answers on there.
My apologies to everyone.
I think that when we give unconditionally that the Lord blesses us.
I think there are times when I give hoping for some kind of return. I also know that when I help my friend Felicia, I am just hoping that when I am that age that someone will love me enough to help me. Do you know what I mean?
Thank you for your kind words, jewishwebsites. I will try to visit.
I wish there were such a thing as 'true unconditional love,' and I respect the point you make here lucy!
Have a good day everyone.
I recently found out that while I do not expect anything, there is one expectation that we dont know about until it happens... and that is, we dont expect our friends to do us wrong... and if it happens you start thinking.. wow after all I have given without expecting anything back.
The best giving is the unconditional, selfless, no-strings-attached type. This type of selfless love makes my soul soar and benefits humanity.
How wonderful that you were able to go to your ill cousin. I'm sure this touched her immensely. The letter you wrote her is beautiful.
The best type of friendship is the sort without strings.
Hi Barbara, I need a Jewish perspective on my blog & am hoping you'll come over & give me your slant on things. :)
I think I agree with what mig said, in that the giver always receives something in return, whether knowingly or not.
I am not sure that there truly is a thing as "unconditional love", as all relationships operate within unspoken boundaries, but it would be nice to think that there was.
Love should never have stings unless its on the harp that strums sweet music for your true love.
Have a peaceful and fun weekend :)
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