To Honor Thy Mother and Father
The thoughts from this post come from some words with a dear woman, whom I met in blogsville. She has become a true friend, and we have spoken on the phone and continue to email one another on a regular basis. I am truly grateful for her presence in my life.
Since Mother's Day has just passed, and Father's Day is looming in the near horizons, it is often the case that many of us feel obligated by duty rather than by emotion to acknowledge our parents on these days, and all days, for that matter. It is the case that many of us, myself included, have conflicting relationships with our mothers and fathers. Some are based on difficult personalities, or forms of verbal or even physical abuse. In my line of work, I have seen many children who have become the victims of sexual abuse at the hands of their parents as well.
We are commanded, the Torah tells us "to honor thy mother and father." What does it mean to demonstrate the commandment of honor? Is it the same as love? How is it possible for someone to honor someone who has been abusive or cruel to them? What about those situations where an individual does not like his mother or father? Are we still compelled to honor them, and if so, for whom?
This post may hit some nerves, or push some buttons, I realize, but it was a very interesting topic that my dear friend brought up, when she drew this distinction between honoring and loving one's parents.
Now, I must prepare for trial.
Thank you for your minds.
Since Mother's Day has just passed, and Father's Day is looming in the near horizons, it is often the case that many of us feel obligated by duty rather than by emotion to acknowledge our parents on these days, and all days, for that matter. It is the case that many of us, myself included, have conflicting relationships with our mothers and fathers. Some are based on difficult personalities, or forms of verbal or even physical abuse. In my line of work, I have seen many children who have become the victims of sexual abuse at the hands of their parents as well.
We are commanded, the Torah tells us "to honor thy mother and father." What does it mean to demonstrate the commandment of honor? Is it the same as love? How is it possible for someone to honor someone who has been abusive or cruel to them? What about those situations where an individual does not like his mother or father? Are we still compelled to honor them, and if so, for whom?
This post may hit some nerves, or push some buttons, I realize, but it was a very interesting topic that my dear friend brought up, when she drew this distinction between honoring and loving one's parents.
Now, I must prepare for trial.
Thank you for your minds.
22 Comments:
That was a very good post. I know people that haven't spoken to their parents in years for various reasons. Some have very good reasons, others I think are just stubborn. When I say that I mean it from both sides. Parents aren't around forever, I think it makes me sad that its stubborness that makes them not speak. Who knows when they decide to make it work, if it wont be too late?
But I honestly cant blame the children of abuse that don't recognise this day.
Hi barbara, being a survivor of abuse i can say that it is hard and easy to honor my worthless, lieng, abusive, unprotecting parents. I honor them for giving me this life by creating me. I feel that if we do not let go of negative emotions they eventully wind up hurting us more. It is easier said than done. But i had to come to the realization that i am responsible for my own happiness. I refused to become a victim or look at my self as a victim. I knew the minute i accepted what was hurled at me verbally i would put myself in my own personal pity hell. I did not want anyones pity so i did not pity myself. I learned to be strong and to move on... One thing i have learned is that you can't change people. Even though i forgive i never forget... Ijust accept the fact that my parents failed me and i go on. Sometimes we have to detache ourselves from ourselves to heal. WE have to look at our lives from the outside in.. So we can assess what needs to be done. Stregnth is what is needed to do that. Everyone deals with things differently. I have a sister i do not speak to because i understand she is evil. I forgive her, I love her, but i do not deal with her. I deal with her cordially. Because it would be stupid for me to put myself in harms way... I would say to those who have not healed yet.. It ok not to talk to your abuser.. If there is nothing to honor than there is nothing to honor. Everyone's life is not perfect.. Just take care of yourself and stay safe...If that means not communicating or honoring or what ever it may be....Barbara i love your blog......
Soulsista,
Thank you for sharing such an intimate story here. I am sorry you were abused, and by your kindness, it seems as if you learned to empower yourself so that you can move forward and have a good life as well.
We must accept people as they are. This does not mean we have to like, or love them, in my humble opinion.
its actually honor thy father and mother
the talmud clearly explains what the torah means by "honor"
1)feed your parents
2)cloth your parents
there is another commandment
fear your mother and father
1)do not sit in their place
2)do not state your opinion in front of them
3)do not disagree with them
4)do not talk for your parents
YY,
You love to correct me, I see.
May I ask: do you treat your parents accordingly? I would especially be curious about the commandment that speaks to not disagreeing with them.
ROFL! YY, you just got serrrrrved... ;-)
In all seriousness, I do think children should honor their parents. But I don't think it's because their parents "gave them life." As a parent myself, I know that having a child -- that is, replicating oneself or at least half of oneself -- is one of the most profoundly selfish things you can do. People have children FOR THEMSELVES, not for the kids. That said, once the child is here, you've got to make your own needs second priority and the child's first; that is, you must be unselfish -- but that's not a favor you do, for which your child should be grateful -- it's your RESPONSIBILITY for bringing him/her into the world in the first place. The child never had a choice in the matter.
I think the imperative to honor one's parents is usually barked out by mothers and fathers who have failed to inspire love in their kids, so they fall back on appeals to duty. Where love is low, honor has to be beaten out of a kid. Where love is high, honor is the child's natural expression of that love. Parents who have to demand that their kids honor them need to take an honest look at how they might be failing to inspire feelings of love in their kids.
Very good questions....
The mitzvah...is not really an emotional obligation..rather concrete laws...of honouring and fearing...parents (nowhere does the Torah say Love they Parents).
I guess I am lucky. I had wonderful parents, both of them. I honor them with all my heart. I just wish they were still alive so I could put my arms around them and give them a hug. I miss them very much.
I know that there are children out there that have been abused or neglected by their parents. I feel for them. Hopefully they will be good parents to their own children and not continue the cycle of bad parenting.
I also think that many parents try to do the best they can with what they have and some children don't appreciate it. Raising kids is not an easy job.
as you say, many of us are conflicted in our relationships with our parents. My sibs and I are no exception.
We were annoyed that they became a major financial burden on us at time when most of us had children in college. We are annoyed that pride would not permit them (Dad) to fill out financial information when we were trying to pay for our college. We struggled with years of depression and alcoholism.
In fairness, they always tried to treat us with kindness. They tolerated a great deal from us as we were growing up and some how as parents did something right, they never quit trying. As a result, among their children are two certified heroes, a multi millionaire, one has argued before the supreme court, another co holds several patents and authored technical studies that are used in University level courses. None are on drugs, in jail (seems surprising in hind sight) and are all contributors.
I think that perfect parents are in the same myth category as perfect children. To really decide how we should feel about our parents I believe we need to stand back and look at them from outside the family environment with a strong perspective from time
Indeed, a timely and piercing post Barbara – one which hits plenty close to home.
This is a topic to which I have devoted a considerable amount of thought and emotion over the years. For me, part of growing has been finding ways to shed anger and hurt in order to move on, to evolve, to heal, and to gain strength. I’ve found that this is best accomplished through expression – be it artistic, verbal, whatever – to share and let out these feelings and experiences in whatever ways are accessible and practical.
Sometimes this means talking things out with a friend, other times writing a piece of poetry or painting a picture, often both and more. One of the greatest things that has come unexpectedly from my healing process, is encountering those occasions that by sharing my own experiences, I have also helped someone else to find resolution, healing, or even simple validation.
Time also helps, and as time passes we grow as individuals and find the strength and the perspective to heal ourselves. Perhaps honoring our father and mother can be interpreted as honoring ourselves: honoring our lives, our feelings, our dreams as being worthy, meaningful, and precious. If we are the product of our parents, we can do them no greater honor than to strive to be something/someone whom we both respect and honor in ourselves.
PS - SoulSista, well said!
wow, you sure know how to pull out all the good thought provoking questions don't you? Awesome.
Honor is an personal interpretation.
My Dad was not around but I honor him silently in the depths of my heart , he was part to create me and he did at one point,create a true love for my Mother.My Mother I honor openly,in my day to day life.She was my Mentor.
I love questions like these because they will all have such unique answers!Have fun at trial..lol.
Thanks for sharing Bard:)
Mallory posted this:
"In fairness, they always tried to treat us with kindness."
I think that's what it comes down to; it's easier for children to honor parents whose behavior has a consistent core of kindness than parents whose behavior is cruel. And kids can tell which is which.
All kids will go through selfish stages, even those whose parents are loving. It's the cruel parents who demand honorable treatment who anger me.
My mother was kind to me as a child, but as I grew older she became threatened by me and her behavior turned cruel. She was constantly telling people I needed to be "knocked down a peg." Her weapon was/is her tongue (though she encouraged my brothers to beat me), but she's no different in spirit than a father who puts his son "in his place" with the occasional beating.
She persists in her cruelty, so minimizing contact with her is really the only way I can continue to "honor" her.
Thank you for such honest and forthright answers.
It is indeed a difficult question, for many, and many have to heal their own emotions and resolve their own issues on this sensitive issue.
YY, you only want to correct people, and tell them how they do not understand the Torah or the Talmud. Why not answer the substantive question? Am I treding on troubled water here?
I have no trouble at all honoring my mother and my father. Both of them passed away within weeks of each other about six years ago.
Mother was in her seventies and lying in her bed at the nursing home the day she looked up at me and said, "I was too hard on you when you were growing up." I smiled and assured her this wasn't true and that she had been a very good mother to me.
In fact, she was an excellent mother to my sister and me. But here this feeble old woman confined to a nursing home was still wondering if she had done it right.
The late and great Erma Bombeck said it well in her book Just Wait Till You Have Children Of Your Own. It is hard to be a parent. It requires many years of sacrifice, work, and dedication when all the time you have your own needs competing for your attention. Then when the bulk of your parenting is finished (it never ends entirely), you ask yourself if you did it right knowing full well that you were bound to have made some mistakes.
I don't fault my parents one bit for having been human with their own needs which sometimes took priority over mostly my desires as a youngster. I don't fault them at all for having made a few mistakes mostly in judgment. I knew that they loved me. I had to become a parent myself before I could understand and appreciate this.
God bless them both.
My biological parents were very abusive and I left aged 13. I have never spoken to them since and have zero feelings towards them, not even hate.
I was adopted by a teacher at my school and never looked back, sadly she passed away 3 years ago this year. I adored her, she was our rock. She showed my brother (her son)and I never ending love and it was always unconditional.
I don't think you have to love a person just because they gave birth to you. They screwed up by being abusive so I owe them nothing.
My greatest satisfaction is growing up able to have a happy, healthy and thriving relationship, something my biological family could never manage. Most of them are in and out of prison. I am the only one of four biological siblings who has managed to lead a good honest life.
good post as always Barbara
I would say honor is NOT the same as love. But then love is also a very complex subject, and I suppose it's very possible to love but not like.
Honor = be polite to, treat with respect.
My mother and I are in the middle of a bit of an argument at the moment. I desperately want to be treated as an adult as I am 28, own m own home, have a husband, and soon, a child. She seems to disagree with the assessment. I understand her difficulty, and I'm sure I'll understand it even more, soon, but I need to be given a little more space. I'm a big girl and can make certain decisions without her constant input, not that I don't value it when I get it. My sister's chronic illness puts us in a difficult situation. As a child I often had to be older than I was in order to function, and still, I sometimes feel overlooked or undervalued as a member of the family, though it's not always through her lack of trying. I love my parents and I try to honor them through my actions as much as possible, but I am very different from both of them, something that they don't like or always understand. I thionk sometimes it's difficult to honor yourself and your parents at the same time.
It seems everyone is in agreement that honoring one's parents is not the same as loving them.
Another thought on what it means to honor: don't denigrate them. Honoring them can simply be the passive act of not dishonoring.
I have good parents, but my grandfather sexually abused me. So I see the commandment as a difficult to uphold (although it doesn't say anything about grandparents!) I don't have anything nice or polite to say about gramps. At the same time, I cannot be silent about what happened.
Good discussion question.
WW
Very good post.....I was very lucky to have good parents.....Children that are abused....go thru so much....My heart goes out to ALL of them....They have to do what's best for them....rather it be honor their parents or not!!!
Have a great day!!
Very good post.....I was very lucky to have good parents.....Children that are abused....go thru so much....My heart goes out to ALL of them....They have to do what's best for them....rather it be honor their parents or not!!!
Have a great day!!
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