The Art of Letting Go
Woman on the Verge of Thinking has been extremely busy this entire week. Such activities have included an entangled work week, involving complicated cases and trials. As one day begins to blend into another, there has been little time to read, write, blog, listen to music, or engage in other enjoyable activities. A full time job, with a lengthy commute can be taxing. Couple that with doctors visits, family functions, and meetings with friends, and the days seem to blend together, and before one knows it, the week has soon come and gone.
This week has also been rather difficult for me emotionally. I had to let go of a long-term relationship, a friendship, which at one time brought much joy and happiness into my life, but sadly has turned sour over the past several months. People can be like plants, in odd ways, and if a relationship is not watered or nurtured, it too can suffer from thirst, its leaves can turn from a bright green to a muted brown, and, like the colorless leaves on the once healthy plant, it too will eventually die.
Sometimes we must let go of people, places and things, even though we still care about them, or harbor good memories, if it turns out that they will provide an unhealthy or toxic element inside of our own lives. Staying free of such compulsions is not easy, and often, the pain of walking away can be very sharp, and pierce a deep wound open inside of one's own heart. Letting go involves surrendering, for our own good, and ultimate peace of mind. Often, we must let go as well to honor and respect the needs of the other person, even if their goals are quite different from our own.
Today, in the middle of all the business involved in my life, I too am trying to walk through the pain of letting go of a friendship that was not healthy for me. This does not mean that I do not feel sad, and I truly miss this person, but sometimes we have to let go to grow, even with the pain and hurt, so we can get to the other side of the rainbow, with the hope that there is still light inside.
Thank you for your minds.
This week has also been rather difficult for me emotionally. I had to let go of a long-term relationship, a friendship, which at one time brought much joy and happiness into my life, but sadly has turned sour over the past several months. People can be like plants, in odd ways, and if a relationship is not watered or nurtured, it too can suffer from thirst, its leaves can turn from a bright green to a muted brown, and, like the colorless leaves on the once healthy plant, it too will eventually die.
Sometimes we must let go of people, places and things, even though we still care about them, or harbor good memories, if it turns out that they will provide an unhealthy or toxic element inside of our own lives. Staying free of such compulsions is not easy, and often, the pain of walking away can be very sharp, and pierce a deep wound open inside of one's own heart. Letting go involves surrendering, for our own good, and ultimate peace of mind. Often, we must let go as well to honor and respect the needs of the other person, even if their goals are quite different from our own.
Today, in the middle of all the business involved in my life, I too am trying to walk through the pain of letting go of a friendship that was not healthy for me. This does not mean that I do not feel sad, and I truly miss this person, but sometimes we have to let go to grow, even with the pain and hurt, so we can get to the other side of the rainbow, with the hope that there is still light inside.
Thank you for your minds.
31 Comments:
I have been there, too, Barbara. It is best to rid yourself of toxic friendships. At first there is a void, but each day will get easier. Have a great weekend!
B, I have emailed you twice and got it returned. Have you changed addresses? You can delete this comment and let me know.
oh I love that last line!!!!
"even with the pain and hurt, so we can get to the other side of the rainbow, with the hope that there is still light inside".
how true true true..letting go in
these kinds of friendships and bonds is not easy..it hurts..but it shows self love and determination to keep healthy ,
positive people in our lives.
You must be hurting today.
I wish you continued strength and self understanding...this has been
a very inspiring post Barb.
Thank you for sharing~
and have a pleasant
and peaceful weekend:)
Did you and the persyn sit down and have a "break up" talk...? Or are you ending your friendship another way.
I ask because I never know what to do when I feel a friendship is over and the time comes to move on. And I know other womyn have felt the same. My experience is they just stop all communication, never calling back or responding in any way and that is very hurtful because you don't realize at first what's going on.
I had to let go of my dream job this week. I know it doesn't seem that traumatic, but it was really difficult for me. It always it when there are kids involved. I guess this is where accepting the things you can't change comes in.
I often wonder where all the time goes, weeks have begun to blend in to each other. It can only get worse as we rely on modern tech even more.
take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You've done what's right for you.
Scott, I sent you my latest email address, as you know.
Yes, ridding ourselves of unhealthy people and relationships, ultimately helps us all in the end. The process, however, can still be painful, as it is with letting go of something or someone we care about, but know that it is in our best interests to do so.
Niobium, you bring up a good point. Talking it out, leaving on a loving rather than hostile note are clearly better for oneself, that being angry and letting go unilaterally.
Letting go of a friendship must be a hard thing to do, but when keeping it is painful, you can do no more.
Thank you for your post. I hope you are as successful as your words are eloquent. For me, letting go is a constant battle I struggle with daily. My lovership has grown toxic, but I keep going back for more of the same rejection. Every time I go back, I fuel the patterns that keep me locked in my misery. Every new day I renew my efforts to let go.
I, too, am beginning to let go of a couple toxic relationships. It isn't easy, I know. I'm sorry you're going through it, too. It's sort of comforting to know that others deal with this, though. I'm sure you'll agree. ;o)
I'm sorry that you are losing a friend. It is always hard to give up someone we feel close to. Just remember that you have to take care of you, and if something or someone is unhealty for you then let it go. Life is to short to be brought down by things that we need to be rid of.
i've now come to think of some friendships as not lasting forever, but for the time they are meant to be. people are always changing and it makes sense that we can't always follow the same paths -- you let go, stay true to yourself and learn from the relationships. sometimes i'll bump into the person and realize that i no longer want to go back because of the hurt and i realize i've moved on and it's ok (no bitterness or meanness just acceptance that things and people change - whether good or bad - things just naturally change)
I just lost a friendship like that. It was like cutting off my arm in some ways... It hurt both of us terribly, but was definitely something I HAD to do(for me and for my family) The pain I feel is intense and I really have been mourning the loss! It was not a 'toxic' relationship in the true sense, but in other ways it was.
I think you have to keep looking at the positive to come from the change... the empowerment you have because you took charge to do the right thing. It is so tough to let go of people we care for and who are in need as well.
Lots of chocolate! Thats my real advice! lol
I truly appreciate all your comments with all my heart.
It was quite painful to end this friendship, and it still feels that way. That being said, it was causing me more personal pain to continue with it, since it had become too one sided. We must accept that the only person we can really change is ourselves, and from there, we have to act in our own best interests. Painful as it may be, I know my decision was correct.
I thought I ought to let go of a friendship a few years ago but was advised by a trusted mentor to hold on because she was "loyal." Ten years later, the friend decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore for no apparent reason but has filled her life with new people and cuts my calls short (in the past our meetings were usually at her behest and duration determined by her schedule). Although there has been some pain, both in the friendship and now that it appears to be finished, I value what it was and miss it once in a while but am glad I just let it fizzle out on her terms. I can't say why I feel this way, I just do, as the friendship took a lot of energy out of me in addition to providing goodness and joy. C'est la vie.
I found your blog from someone else's link from someone else's link and so I just thought I'd add a bit.
Its hard. I know what you speak of. Hang in there!
Sometimes the Buddhist idea of "impermanence" turns out to be true of things that you thought could never change in your lifetime.
As I typed that I found myself wondering, so I may as well ask: is Buddhism influencing any significant subset of Jews as it seems to be influencing some Christians? With Christians, I think it can be a good counterbalance to the Christian emphasis on doctrine.
I've often thought that the Buddha seems to have been perfectly Jewish in the sense that he remained completely silent on the question of God, which resonates powerfully with YAHWEH, the ineffable. Christians sometimes claim Buddhism isn't a religion because it doesn't talk about God. I think they don't know what they're talking about...
Letting go of a friend....is really hard....I've come to understand.....You have friends of many shapes and many colors....some are to stay forever....and some are just passing thru!!!
Sending best wishes to your Son!!!
Have a great day!!!
People come and go throughout our lives, and I am a strong supporter of letting go of unhealthy relationships.
Good thoughts to you Barbara!
From my experience, it seems to me that we let go of someone or something, when we know, in our hearts, that we have learned the lesson that was intended for us to know. Henceforth, we let go and grow.
I think you have a great amount of courage, and are daring to grow in ways many people will not. The best thing you can do for yourself, and someone else, is make a decision like this with love. You will, therefore, never go wrong. At the same time, be prepared to deal with the many things you may be feeling, which are normal. I have been going through this process for two years now, having spent a great deal of time before that considering whether or not to let go. I felt painful, mixed feelings then, and now I am trying to use my space to heal. Although my friend became very angry, unkind, and not respectful of my boundaries, which subsequently evoked unpleasant feelings for me, I am certain that my decision was best all the way around. It is the only thing that fits in my life, in my heart, in the present moment. Congratulations, and best of luck to you.
I think you have a great amount of courage, and are daring to grow in ways many people will not. The best thing you can do for yourself, and someone else, is make a decision like this out of love. You will, therefore, never go wrong. At the same time, be prepared to deal with the many things you may be feeling, which are normal. And know that you may face resistance. I have been going through this process for two years now, having spent a great deal of time before that considering whether or not to let go. I felt painful, mixed feelings then, and now I am trying to use my space to heal. Although my friend became very angry, unkind, and not respectful of my boundaries, which subsequently evoked unpleasant feelings for me, I am certain that my decision was best all the way around. It is the only thing that fits in my life, in my heart, in the present moment. Congratulations, and best of luck to you.
I think you have a great amount of courage, and are daring to grow in ways many people will not. The best thing you can do for yourself, and someone else, is make a decision like this with love. You will, therefore, never go wrong. At the same time, be prepared to deal with the many things you may be feeling, which are normal. I have been going through this process for two years now, having spent a great deal of time before that considering whether or not to let go. I felt painful, mixed feelings then, and now I am trying to use my space to heal. Although my friend became very angry, unkind, and not respectful of my boundaries, which subsequently evoked unpleasant feelings for me, I am certain that my decision was best all the way around. It is the only thing that fits in my life, in my heart, in the present moment. Congratulations, and best of luck to you.
Wow~ I mean, really, wow! - I am 40 years old and have had a bestfriend since I was 8....it seems that things started to reveal themselves over the past 5-6 years. By the time I hit 40, it was a wake up call. I realised she was always there for me during the good times. but when I was down and out, she wasnt there to listen. If she would tell me she wanted to spend the day with me, she would stay on her cell phone the ENTIRE day! and then she would drop me back home and nothing was ever discussed. The only time we discussed things in detail was when it was about her. I have always been there for her at anytime of the day or night through out the years. but when I start to discuss what's bothering me, she interrupts and says "oh my goodness girl! i really need to get a pedicure!" and I just stop talking. This has happened so much over the years that I got to the point where i STOPPED saying anything about me and my issues. When I had my first big layoff from Enron and had never experienced anything like this.....she was there to feed me liquor (as usual) but never to really talk. Til this date, i dont think she really knows what guy hurt me the most. She has tried her best to keep up with every person in the city...she has to know everyone and she HAS to still be in the know. I have moved on from that. I dont need Tom, Dick, and Harry with me whenever I am out some place...just a REAL shoulder to cry on sometimes. For her 40th birthday this past May, i told her I would take pictures and make a book for her. She called me 2-3 weeks after the party and asked me for MY CD to give to her other friend so that she can develop the pictures because she wants to make a book for her. Now, knowing that I was doing this as well, why would she do that. She has alwyas been selfish. I dont think it would really matter if I said what I had to say or not, it may be better to just be there for birthdays, holidays, weddings ect. I knew that when i left, she would get the friends. Its been a lonely road because i am so use to a lot of people being around me. but as i have grown older, i dont need all those people in my life everyday. she has stated many times that SHE KNOWS she can act ugly or is selfish. so what does that really say. She knows and she's not doing anything about it. It really really hurts to go my seperate way. I will always love her like a sister, but I cant stand being in her presence anymore. If I know I have to go to a certain event with the same friends who will be there...I cringe at the thought until the day comes and then i am glad that its over. But yet i am (right now) miserable without her....and that's only because I have been use to her being there. but it seems after the partying and the music stopped, I was just left standing there without a REAL friend. Others have noticed that this was a toxic relationship and says that she has always controlled me....I knew this, but didnt know this. It was a rude awakening. Now my life is MY life. I do what i want to do and becuase i am not in her world or their world anymore...they think that I am the weird one going through some things because I have left. I have never been a person that likes to live in a box....so now i feel like I am breaking free from all that was bindng me....but the most hurtful thing is going my seperate way from her. This website was the best thing to help me cope. That above message was so right, "You have to let go to grow" and i know this is true. But it hurts and I want the pain to be over with already.
I really feel low because of the friendship that I lost. I just realize that I can't always force my friend to treat me the way I treat him. It is always painful to realize that your friendship is not valued by the other person. Painful it may be but I have to let go. I should love myself more.
I am now in the same situation. I am glad to come across this blog and it kind of help me to go through the difficult process of grieving the broken friendship as I know I am not alone, nor strange to be overwhelm with feelings of sadnesss.
It's hard too. To be on the otherside, the forgotten friend being cut off. Wondering why you're not as valued as other friends. It's hard accepting that someone you loves feels best off without you. I'd do anything for my loved ones, including letting them walk away from me, if that is what they want. But, God, it hurts. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop wondering what I did wrong and what's wrong with me.
to anonymous, the latest post: i am going through exactly the same thing, and i write this with tears in my eyes, for both of us...i don't like knowing that other people are suffering...but you have made me feel i'm not alone, so thank you for sharing. all of you, actually.
i mean, thank you all, for sharing. your posts are really insightful and comforting. and whoever needs support, hang in there. give yourself the extra love you deserve, and please don't beat yourself up. friendships are a two way street. there's NOTHING wrong with you. with hugs, anonymous.
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa
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