Internet Relationships: What Do They Mean and Is True Friendship Possible?
For about ten years now, I have had the occasion to meet people, both men and women, through the click of the mouse. Cyber-space opens up an entire universe to us, transecting both time, place and space. Some connections have been through chat rooms of various subjects, including classical music, pets, Judaism, fragrances, and books. It is also the case that I am a member of a make-up site, and have been an on-and off poster there for the past four years.
But who are these people we meet in this impersonal forum, and what, if any true meaning and relationship do they have and give to our lives? Do some of us feel more comfortable behind a computer screen where we can be who we want, say whatever we feel (uncensored at times) and allow others to think about us in a way that may not be accurate in the 'real world?' How often do we hear others say that they are there for us, and within a few weeks, maybe even days, their words dissolve like aka-seltzer in water, and we do not ever hear from them again? Are others reactors, i.e. people who only come around if communication is initiated, or do they freely and truly give of themselves unequivocally? When people say, I am sending you thoughts and prayers, does this mean that they really care about us, would take the time to be there if necessary, or just want to look good on the computer screen for others to see?
Sometimes it seems as if we give those individuals whom we meet on the internet more value, and excuse them more often if they do not meet our expectations, than those individuals who are a part of our real, non-cyber lives. Sitting behind the veil of a screen reminds me, in a way, of the Great and All Powerful Wizard of Oz...We imagine grandiosely when in reality, there may sit someone who, like everyone of us knows, is weak, timid, shy and maybe a cut below average.
As posted on this blog, our family has been going through an illness with our daughter once again. Pain and crisis are great equalizers, and it is often the case that during these times, we know truly who our friends are, and who are those who say they are, but are not. That being said, there have been individuals whom I have met through the internet who have been genuinely concerned, caring and even loving in so many ways. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Many of you have even sent me gmail messages with your warm wishes, which are truly appreciated. That being said, there are others who have stayed completely silent, including one religious man who has routinely posted, but has made no contact whatsoever. Every human being with whom we interact is created in God's image, and therefore is as valuable as we are ourselves. Can a feeling of superiority replace humility and compassion?
What have I learned from this experience, and where does it leave me in terms of the conclusions that are reached about relationships on the internet vs. those outside of cyber-space? For one, I am much more appreciative of the real friends that I have (some of you I have actually met in cyber-space.) Flaws and all, you are grand, and when you say you care, you mean it. When you say you pray, you do it, and when you say you are there for me, I can literally feel your hearts beat.....
Thank you for everything (and of course, your minds.)
But who are these people we meet in this impersonal forum, and what, if any true meaning and relationship do they have and give to our lives? Do some of us feel more comfortable behind a computer screen where we can be who we want, say whatever we feel (uncensored at times) and allow others to think about us in a way that may not be accurate in the 'real world?' How often do we hear others say that they are there for us, and within a few weeks, maybe even days, their words dissolve like aka-seltzer in water, and we do not ever hear from them again? Are others reactors, i.e. people who only come around if communication is initiated, or do they freely and truly give of themselves unequivocally? When people say, I am sending you thoughts and prayers, does this mean that they really care about us, would take the time to be there if necessary, or just want to look good on the computer screen for others to see?
Sometimes it seems as if we give those individuals whom we meet on the internet more value, and excuse them more often if they do not meet our expectations, than those individuals who are a part of our real, non-cyber lives. Sitting behind the veil of a screen reminds me, in a way, of the Great and All Powerful Wizard of Oz...We imagine grandiosely when in reality, there may sit someone who, like everyone of us knows, is weak, timid, shy and maybe a cut below average.
As posted on this blog, our family has been going through an illness with our daughter once again. Pain and crisis are great equalizers, and it is often the case that during these times, we know truly who our friends are, and who are those who say they are, but are not. That being said, there have been individuals whom I have met through the internet who have been genuinely concerned, caring and even loving in so many ways. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Many of you have even sent me gmail messages with your warm wishes, which are truly appreciated. That being said, there are others who have stayed completely silent, including one religious man who has routinely posted, but has made no contact whatsoever. Every human being with whom we interact is created in God's image, and therefore is as valuable as we are ourselves. Can a feeling of superiority replace humility and compassion?
What have I learned from this experience, and where does it leave me in terms of the conclusions that are reached about relationships on the internet vs. those outside of cyber-space? For one, I am much more appreciative of the real friends that I have (some of you I have actually met in cyber-space.) Flaws and all, you are grand, and when you say you care, you mean it. When you say you pray, you do it, and when you say you are there for me, I can literally feel your hearts beat.....
Thank you for everything (and of course, your minds.)
20 Comments:
I know for my self blogger gives me an out let for me.
I called it my cheap counsel sections.
I'm a person who don't like cliques and I try to have variety of people in my coffee pals.
I'm one who not to complain or talk to very many people about my feeling. I've tried a few times in pass and the outcome wasn't pleasant.
Pepperlady,
I thank you for your comment, and actually, it brought to light something else which is critical about blogging, and that I have written upon in the past. Blogging is really a tool for our own expression, a means of letting out how one feels about herself, the world and her experiences at the moment. That being said, the expectation, at least from the blogging experience, should be one of self statement.
Perhaps, my expectations from those who comment on the blog, with whom I meet on the internet, are unrealistic. Afterall, this is indeed a tool for expression, and not a bandage.
Perhaps it is like shopping: one thinks that it will make us feel better, when in reality, it might, for a moment, and then we just wait to make the next purchase. A moment of clarity here indeed...
Thank you for your comment.
Barbara, I have enjoyed blogging because I have met a few nice people who I enjoy reading about. I enjoy their post and thoughts. I laugh with them, cry with them, pray for them and think about them. I haven't met any of my blogging friends yet, but I would love to.
As for you, I cryed when you lost your beloved Astro. I worry about your daughter too. I think about your son, working far away from home. I wonder what it would be like to have your job. I listen to your causes and your political views. I can't say that I agree with all of them, but I know how you feel about certain things. I wonder what your husband is like, you very rarely talk about him.
I think it is possible to make real friends over the Internet. I think we all have a few really good friends who would drop everything and be there with you in a moments notice. I think you know what kind of friends those are. I think there are friends who are there at different times in you life and so on.
I would have loved to comment to your last two posts but I don't have your email address and so I could not let you know how I feel. I tried to hit the little arrow but it takes me to a page that asks for your mail address before it will let me send a message. If you would send me your address we could correspond beyond blogging.... My address is: lucy.stern@gmail.com
One more thing, I think we all have a life beyond blogging and the friends that we have there. We turn off he computer and go about our day with family and friends who are there physically, that does not mean that we don't care about our cyber friends. PS. I have a friend who found his wife in cyber space....He's happy as a lark.
Thank you, Lucy!
You have most definitely indeed been there through every step and stumble of the way.
Many blessings to you and your family.
I like the acquaintance/friendships (Blogships?)
Friends well yes, I guess.
Buut they can never be real in some circles, lots of blog as peppylady said...
I know for my self blogger gives me an out let for me.
I called it my cheap counsel sections.
That probably the majority of us and we like out anonimity
So thats the way it is
imho online friends are meaningless they are all just an ignore button away
I've met many wonderful friends through the internet. Though I have never met them, they are fine people, and many are better friends than some I know 'in person'.
This is my first time here, and it's all the more poignant to have read this post of yours first than any other.
I too feel the same way - but sometimes, I've found out, that people you meet through this thing called the internet can be far more genuine than those about our real life - and then comes a moment, when their become more of a reality than the real in-the-flesh ones around us.
There are 4 people that I love best,and 3 of which, I've met through the net. So I suppose true friendship is possible :)
And I'll be sure to return here again.
"When people say, I am sending you thoughts and prayers, does this mean that they really care about us, would take the time to be there if necessary, or just want to look good on the computer screen for others to see?"
What I read, I simply take at face value. If they use that for their own shallow ends, it's likely to be picked up on soon after making contact on a more regular basis. I just have that big grain of salt at the ready as I give them the benefit of the doubt.
I've met face-to-face nearly a hundred people over the past half a dozen years or so (no exaggeration) that grew out of a virtual meeting. The vast majority are real, and true to their online selves. I'm really hoping I wasn't just incredibly fortunate, but the cynic in me wonders. Ultimately I think that as the whole medium has matured from the infantile BBS's, so has the calibre of people posting online (exempting the true novice users just getting started, and of course the vast majority of AOL users).
Like Lucy, I lack a method to send a first comment or e-mail, but I'm okay with that; I'm sure you have plenty to occupy your time as it is, and so I send warm thoughts your way.
Well, the blogosphere is a weird place, people have the option of coming in, out and sometimes disappearing. That is just the nature of the beast. I do hope that your situation resolves for the better in the near future and in the meanwhile, I wish you continued strength as you go through this difficult time in your life.
I suppose in some ways internet relationships mirror life ones: there are some people whom one meets who are good, true, considerate (and may be only within the virtual context) and others, are, for lack of a better word assholes!
That being said, please take my words within the context of what is going on within my own life at the moment. I suppose because of this blog, I can honestly air my true feelings, without fear of censorship oddly. I am sure that some individuals who are family and/or friends would not want to be told that they fit into the latter category. But here, with the veil of anonymomity, all is fair game, especially when knowing that we hid behind the screen.
And as mentioned, it has been a privledge to meet some very wonderful, sincere and loving people in cyber-space as well.
I see the Internet as another avenue... an accoutrement to face to face...
Here in NY... I sometimes ggo weeks without seeing my own neighbors...
Anywhere people interact for the purpose of widening their social circles is a good thing...
Internet included...
Cheers,
Mr. H.K.
Postcards from Hell's
Kitchen
Accoutrement...I like that word, Mr. H.K!
Thank you for making me smile today!!
Hi Barbara.
I never would've guessed the intensity of emotions and compassion one can feel simply through words shared in the blogworld. They are true and real.
Though we don't know the intricasies of one's lives, I believe that we all write about the important aspects of it......we write from our hearts.
It's like we have all jumped over the "lets go to know eachother" niceties and right into a deeper conversation that is meaningful
From the moment I found you and started reading your words, I have felt a connection to you and a strong sense of empathy and interest.....both in your work, your travels, your provocative questions.......and more deeply your daughter's illness.
I think of you often..........distance and the fact that I don't even know what you look like do not lessen this.
BTW.... beautiful and warm and determined and sensitve are the words that come to mind to describe you.......
Yes, there are many whom you think you've connected with and Poof, they are gone.........in fact I was burned last week and am still processing that.......but it won't stop me from reaching out to touch fingertips with others.
As I am reading all of your comments here today, about how others have come to make some kind of imprint upon you, in one way or another, at least in the world of blogging, it does seem to be the case that some meaningful relationships have indeed been established. Whether they be labeless, or can be defined as friendships, or with other words, that form some type of connection linking one person to another, in some way, (even if sadly by feeling resentful), the internet does indeed allow these works of art (human connections) to be created.
Today is a new day, the son is waiting to shine, and one has a chance to breathe again. To me, the fact that everything changes is something that can be cherished each and ever day.
Awareness, thank you particularly for your words here. My emotions can indeed be intense (often too much so), and I thank you for pointing this out to me, giving me this gift, in a way that has been transformative, at least for this very moment in time.
One of my first internet friends, a lovely woman I first met in a chatroom over 7 years ago, died a year and a half after we began to chat together. She had an heart attack while driving.
I mourned for her...and even though I'd never met her I thanked God for her presence in my life. She was so kind.
I've since met several internet friends, and they are just as dear as any other. They aren't far away...they are as close as my the desk in the corner of my living room...and I'm as close as their laptops.
For me friendships are anchored over time. It takes a lot of joy, and disappointment in their humanness to weave a bond between friends. Some last, but most don't. The ones that do are the corner stones of my existence.
I am sorry you and your daughter are going through hard times right now. I hope she heals soon.
I read something, this morning, which I want to share here. It is a good reminder, especially for me today, that being miserable is a choice:
Misery is optional.
We may have learned to be miserable, but we can choose to unlearn it. Though we can't control what happens to us, we can determine how we will interpret and react to what happens. We can moan about the things we don't like, using them as excuses for self-pity ("poor me"), accepting what we can't change and changing what we can.
In the past, we often made ourselves miserable by over-doing things. Now, how often do we continue to invite misery by thinking we ought to be able to control other people? What part do unrealistic expectations play in the creation and continuation of our misery?
When we're hurting, we need to do something about it. A physical hurt may require a doctor; an emotional pain may call for a therapist or friend, and spiritual distress may indicate the need for more prayer and meditation, closer contact G-d. We can accept responsibility for our feelings, become willing to go to any lengths to get well, and choose not to be miserable.
Responding with misery is not on my list of options for today.
your note and prayer below are so deeply touching. I too will pray for your family to find health and happiness.
as to internet relationships, they can be a blessing and a window into a whole wide world, they can also be a place of much "tom-foolery" and heartbreak. This is the world we live in. A mixed bag. today I am choosing to pull out my cherished few friends and appreciate them all over again, Thanks, in part, to you.
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