Judging Others
Most people, when asked, will tell you that they do not like to be judged. In fact, if you read through many posts, there is a typical conclusion reached by many, especially, in an area where some controversy sparks, that if an opinion is reached, it should not be in the form of a judgment. Frankly, I do not like to be judged, although, perhaps I may do it myself on more than one occasion. And if the truth be told, others do not like to be judged either.
What what does it truly mean to sit in judgment? From a legal perspective, the role of a judge is to hear all the evidence, weigh it, and make some type of binding decision, a determination and/or decision about a matter at hand. In this instance, a judgment is an authoritative opinion with consequences.
Reading below, in a post that I make, I say, that I do not understand how some follow the tedious mitzvot of the Torah, yet cheat on their spouses, lie or are dishonest. Someone responds, that it is not appropriate to judge others. To me, a judgment is something more than rendering a personal opinion. In fact, it is negative, with a proviso that not only do you not understand how a person acts but that you are voicing your disapproval of the conduct as well.
Here is the question of the day: What does it mean to judge others? Is rending an opinion or speaking ones mind a form of judgment? If not, how does it differ from judging others? Are there circumstances when judging others has positive or beneficial consequences for oneself or others?
Please note, that most of my posts, as you can by now, are rather complex in thought, but diverse in quality. For example, the one about sinning truly has nothing to do with nudity. I am, as many probably know by now, a deep thinker.
Thank you for your minds.
What what does it truly mean to sit in judgment? From a legal perspective, the role of a judge is to hear all the evidence, weigh it, and make some type of binding decision, a determination and/or decision about a matter at hand. In this instance, a judgment is an authoritative opinion with consequences.
Reading below, in a post that I make, I say, that I do not understand how some follow the tedious mitzvot of the Torah, yet cheat on their spouses, lie or are dishonest. Someone responds, that it is not appropriate to judge others. To me, a judgment is something more than rendering a personal opinion. In fact, it is negative, with a proviso that not only do you not understand how a person acts but that you are voicing your disapproval of the conduct as well.
Here is the question of the day: What does it mean to judge others? Is rending an opinion or speaking ones mind a form of judgment? If not, how does it differ from judging others? Are there circumstances when judging others has positive or beneficial consequences for oneself or others?
Please note, that most of my posts, as you can by now, are rather complex in thought, but diverse in quality. For example, the one about sinning truly has nothing to do with nudity. I am, as many probably know by now, a deep thinker.
Thank you for your minds.
25 Comments:
There is nothing wrong with a difference in opinion, they happen all the time and are quite natural given the diversity of humanity. I also don't think a person is judgemental just because they voice their opinion. But when someone makes an assumption about the morality or worth of a person because that person may hold a difference of opinion, that is a different matter all together.
Does that sort of judgement have positive or beneficial consequences? I suppose it can cement a person into their own comfortable little social circle. Is that a good thing? I guess I'd better not judge!
i may have said it before on this blog but there is a difference between liberalism and relativism
relativism would see someone shying away from all judgement with the response 'each to their own - who am i to judge?'
but i think this can be dangerous - i don't think we need or should be tolerant of other people's intolerances
an example: do we really have to tolerate/fail to judge the barbaric practice of female circumcision in some african cultures, for instance?
my own response to that is 'no' - i judge the practice to be barbaric, no question about it
if the abolitionists had not judged slavery to be abhorrent, then where would be be now?
GM & UC:
Both very good comments.
I suppose some judgments about behavior are indeed necessary, if they can efficuate change positive change in society.
I personally think that telling someone what I think is distinguishable from telling them whether what I think is right or wrong and how they should act. To me, that is the kind of judgment that I find personally offensive.
Learning to accept people, places and things for who they are and not necessarily how I want them to be is necessary for my own peace of mind.
I think people more often think they are being judged than they actually are.
Barbara, you said yourself: "I personally think that TELLING someone what I think is distinguishable from TELLING them whether what I think is right or wrong and how they should act."
(Caps mine)
You only KNOW that someone is really judging you when they say something, either to you, or (in worse cases) to someone else.
I have found that people are pretty quick to decide that others are judging them, which is a judgement in itself!
As to your actual questions, I think that in the society in which we live, people are very often afraid to speak their mind becuase of the potential offense it'll cause to others. So is not having an opinion better 'cause then there's no judgement?
People have to have standards, at least for themselves. No, they should not force them upon others, nor should they look down on others because they don't fit into their particular mold.
With close friends, I think it's different, because you know where they want to be, and they (hopefully) want you to help them get there.
Learning to accept people, places and things for who they are and not necessarily how I want them to be is necessary for my own peace of mind.
It is a good trait to have but not one that many people share. Above and beyond that there are limits to what people should have to accept in others.
The question often is how do you draw those lines and do you notify others of why they are unacceptable to you.
Although some may conclude this to be a judgment, and others an observation or opinion, I have noticed that many of my comments by WOMEN on my blog are among the most elaborate, provocative and analytical of them all.
Kudos to all the women of the world!
My humble opinion, with an element of truth.
You cannot develop a personal code of ethics *without* judging others; it's how you decide what's right and wrong for you and yours. To tell someone s/he "shouldn't" be judgmental is weird -- it's like saying s/he should be completely socially disconnected.
That said, the kind of judgment I find offensive is the type that fills in all the missing blanks with stereotypical information. I remember once on MUA there was a discussion about a woman (poor, Black) who threw her baby out of a slowly moving car. She was arguing with a man in the car. People were quick to label her a monster and judge her behavior as abhorrent. But a cop who took down the facts of the case said "knowing the details puts an entirely new spin on this case." Maybe the man was about to kill the kid and throwing it out on the grass was her only hope of saving it. Who knows? Maybe she WAS being abusive. Point is, people were quick to judge her according to their stereotypes about people in her social and ethnic class, without knowing more about the situation.
Personally, I try to find out as much as I can about a situation before judging the people involved, though I am in no way perfect and still do prejudge others. There are certain people I will never give a fair shot to: men who rape, homophobic people. But the one thing I try to remember when I encounter someone with a different political view from mine is that even though we arrived at different conclusions, they were led to their worldview through their own unique set of experiences, just as I was led to my worldview through mine. In other words, they "have their reasons," even if I don't understand them. But I'm sure as hell not voting for their preferred candidate. :-)
BFC
this discussion should finaly take the heat off of me
im just voicing my opinion
never on the blogs bash any person personaly because im not in their shoes
YY
With all due respect, I think that some of your comments on this blog and on those of others goes beyond voicing your opinion. You are telling people that you think that what they do is not right. In my mind that results in judgment. Take an honest look at yourself and some of your comments, please.
BFC
i responded to your offer
on
my blog
Recently, my best friend and I had words via email. She stated that I am really judgemental and it's not an assesst. I was really hurt by her comments and told her so, which was what she wanted--to hurt me--she said so in the text of her email.
I've never thought of myself as judgemental; on the contrary, I think I have an open mind and am accepting of other peoples beliefs and attitudes. But when the two people you love most tell you with such certainity, then there must be some grain of truth to it.
I'm a concrete thinker: if it isn't black, than it must be white. Gray drives me insane. It's too murky and muddy. You can't see anything clearly in gray, so my immediate reation is to dismantle gray into black or white. This takes a lot of time and effort on my part, often times on things that could be left well enough alone.
Being judgemental certainly goes along with my innate desire to seperate the two colors that create gray into their pure forms. After all, if you muddied up the waters and made them gray, you must've done something wrong in the first place. And I'm entitled--nay responsible--to tell you fucked up in the first place. If I don't, who will?
I have no idea if it's a good trait or a bad trait, but it's a trait that's within me. And I would assume everyone, or legal system wouldn't exist.
calliec,
LOL...You may be giving me a very provocative new topic to explore here.
JewishBF- welcome to my blog. Please feel free to come by and comment any time. All are welcome, and diversity of opinion and experiences are encouraged.
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Callie -- I'm not recommending judgment, just saying that it's inevitable in the formation of ethics and values. For instance, when you watch a friend's marriage fall apart because s/he was unfaithful and you decide that his/her behavior was problematic or stupid or selfish or a bad idea or just unfortunate, you are passing judgment that reinforces your own system of values (i.e., commitment to fidelity).
I have seen many friends and loved ones engage in behavior I think is stupid or risky or selfish, with dire consequences. Each time I make that assessment I am passing judgment, even if I don't say a word to the person in question, EVEN if I sympathize with his or her situation. When you say, "Yeah, that WAS a bad idea, hon, but I'm glad you made it out okay," you are passing judgment. When you walk away and think, "Ugh, if I can help it, I'll NEVER get myself into that situation," you are passing judgment. It needn't always be hostile, discriminatory, or invalidating. But whenever you make an internal assessment of the goodness or badness or widsom or stupidity of someone else's actions, you are by definition passing judgment, even if no one knows about the judgment but you.
p.s. Sounds like you're judging judgmental people. Uh-oh, how you gonna escape THAT? :-)
"Judge not, lest ye be judged." I don't think anyone likes to be judged (that is, looked at unfavorably/harshly). But I suppose we all judge others sometimes. I find that when I view others with the most charitable possible spin, they usually do the same for me. I like that, personally!
Terrific question (as always!) and something I have been struggling with lately.
I think that judgment can be due to discernment, when you look at the facts and form an opinion.
Then there is judgment as reproof, chastisement, punishment. It is an evaluation that finds something or someone deficient. This is the social aspect. This is what we all fear and hate from others, and rightfully so.
people make hundreds of jugdements/decissions everyday.the question is do these judgements impact on others in a positive or negative way. to use WW terms do they validate or invalidate another human being. this is the key issue. how are you using this jugdemnt, benignly - that color makes you look awful or hurtfully -how could you let yourself get so...(fill in the blank). the 2nd statement wounds despite the speakers protests to the contrary.
unfortunately our society seems to have given everyone the feeling that it is their right to say and do whatever they want wherever they are. common decency and manners have gone in the garbage. the common belief seems to be - if i feel it i can say it. this causes a lot of hurt and anguish for many.
people should remember our parents (grandparents) sayings - if you have nothing nice to say, keep your mouth shut. also - judge others how you want to be judged.
like everyone else i try to be fair but i fail on many occassions. i just keep trying and hope i get it right the next time.
Good question! Afterall we can't hardly help but form opinions, but "judgement" is widely considered "bad." I don't know the difference and I've never even thought about it until now. Maybe it is that judgement in an opinion without empathy... without even tryng to put yourself in someone's shoes and trying to understnad why they might behave a certain way.
That sounds about right... what do I win - lol!
I try very hard not to judge others... but I do have a pet peeve that gets me everytime... and that is people who don't seem capable of judging themselves. Not that I would wish my (sometimes) guilt-ridden brain on anyone else, but isn't life about learning from your mistakes? When I see people doing the same dumb stuff, refusing all advice and wisdom, but still complaining about the things that keep "happening" to them, I do tend to get a little judgmental, even though I know it is a rotten way to think. But don't judge me for it... it's a character flaw, I'm aware of it, and I'm working on it. Luckily, I'm a pretty empathetic person, so it doesn't come up often.
No one enjoys being judged, and I have been severely judged on my blog in the last few days. I do feel that any judgement put upon you is a learning experience. You can either decided that you are partly what they say you are and try to improve or comepletely disagree and disregard their judgement. The latter is the most difficult for people, I think.
Having said that, I do my best as a Buddhist not to judge others. I don't always do well, as evidenced by a recent comment I made on another blog that I apologized profusely for and I am extremely disappointed in myself for making, however, that doesn't make me believe it is any less true. By nature I am a judgemental person, according to my husband (with him I allow myself the freedom of thought and speech, as long as it's not directed at him. EVeryone needs to vent!) I fight the instinct to judge, and what helps me is writing. I have a notebook where I keep my judgements about others, why I made them, why they could be wrong, and things to look for the next time I meet them. I'm a little analytical, but it does help me to get to know people better and realize the patterns I get into.
Such great comments here, as usual.
Having an opinion and being judgmental about someone or something is clearly different, as I think most of us agree.
As indicated, I am not free from being judgmental, and feel as if I like it or not, that more often than not, I may be judging when I think I am voicing my opinion or helping others. But at the end of the day, I am usually at peace, which is a great gift, as I try to live and let live, another great gift.
Greg,
No one ever has all the facts. If we are constantly learning new facts and new ideas, then our opinions and ideas are also constantly changing. No one can profess to have all of the fact on any given subject and to suggest that it's possible and that you shouldn't form an opinion unless you do is unfair and unwise. Also (as an English teacher) myriad refers to a large amount of the same thing, so your usage was incorrect. Please don't be offended that I mention it. I'm a word person.
CC brings up a good point.
Seeing our part in the equation, and being able to be honest and accept others for who they are and not what we want them to be results in OUR never-ending growth.
At least this is my own personal experience.
Callie,
Excellent poin. We can only educate ourselves! We can discuss things and debate, but we can really only learn if we truly want to.
I wholeheartedly agree with Winter Wheat. I am very judgemental of other people's behavior (maybe not the whole person). Seeing bad things in life gives you the ability to steer clear of those situations in the future. It has served me well in my life. I have not screwed up very bad--YET! ha
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