Do You Ever Ask Why Me?

Surely many of you, when thrust inside of a situation that is difficult or painful might ask the question, 'why me?' Some of us, myself included, learn to step backwards, often getting sideswiped in the process, to see if there is anything that we could have, would have or should have done differently to prevent something from happening the way it did. If we only had one of those all powerful magic wands, imagine how it would all turn out! Or, as the old song from the Rolling Stones, goes, Time is on My Side.

Trying to make sense of everything that has been happening this year, the death of my father, the illness of my daughter, has left me in a fragile and exposed state. No matter what efforts or attempts we employ to make sense of these events in our lives, if we allow our eyes to remain open and our ears to hear, we can learn something. Even if the lesson is not to our liking, or speaksof learning to live with un-resolved issues, these are messages to hear. It may not be what we like, but nevertheless, we learn. There may be a need to reach out to others, just to hear the words, 'we care', rather than to retell the story, open up the wounds, make the pain grow bigger and bigger. I know for me, at this moment in time, I want people to be there for me, but it is too difficult to talk, to answer questions or speak about what is happening around me.

This remarkable book by Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking, begins with a quote: "Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."
What a powerful message exists in these words, and reading this book, about her own personal issues of death and loss, has made me know that isolation is not the answer at all. Everything unfolds in its own time. Didion tackled these questions as she took stock of many important moments that lead to the illness of her daughter and the death of her husband, and found some personal, and often painful resolution. Nevertheless, this is a remarkable and honest book about love, loss, illness and grief.

Here is what I know, when I ask, why me? I have no power to change the direction nor course of events as I want them to be. We may think that we have been lucky or unlucky during our lives, but in truth, luck has very little to do with life. All I can do is my part, whether that is to cry in a moment, go visit someone, bring items, show love and support, or go to the cemetery. Bad things happen to everyone, at any given time, regardless of luck in life. Self-pity is not helpful for any length of time. Actually, it makes me feel as if I am entitled to something, when in reality, that is simply not the case at all. How we deal with our misfortunes, and what we learn from them, may or may not make our lives better, richer or fuller. But they will in some way or another effect us and who we are as well as who we become. For me, writing does help sort out the emotions as I see them blazing on the screen in black and white. And the support from those who read my blog means so very much to me, an unexpected bonus, for which I am most greatful.

Thank you for your minds.