Are you A Cheater?: What Does This Really Mean?
Whenever we hear the word 'cheater,' one immediately jumps to the subject of infidelity. People who are not faithful to their spouses, mates, or significant others are branded by this often misleading label.
But are there other forms of cheating, which in some ways can be as destructive, or disturbing ? What about those of us who cheat ourselves out of happiness, intimacy, a rich life filled with joy, or daily satisfaction? Is this a form of cheating that on a personal level can surpass, if not be even more significant than the cheating that we often think of as causing the the most harm and damage to ourselves? If we look at life, and stay in a state of pain, without surfacing and making the most of every moment we have in the best of all possible ways, are we not cheating ourselves out of something as well? Do we also cheat ourselves when we are dishonest, in situations in which we continue to engage in the same types of destructive behaviors, and expect different results? Where do we draw the line, and set appropriate boundaries?
Are you a cheater? What can you do to make your life a more fulfilling one?
As a note, I have received so many emails and comments inquiring about myself. Thank you. I am fine. Going back to work, coupled with the grieving over my dog had taken its toll upon me, and I was cheating myself from joy, which is what inspired this post. I have decided, I will refuse to let Astro die. (at least for now.)
Thank you for your minds.
But are there other forms of cheating, which in some ways can be as destructive, or disturbing ? What about those of us who cheat ourselves out of happiness, intimacy, a rich life filled with joy, or daily satisfaction? Is this a form of cheating that on a personal level can surpass, if not be even more significant than the cheating that we often think of as causing the the most harm and damage to ourselves? If we look at life, and stay in a state of pain, without surfacing and making the most of every moment we have in the best of all possible ways, are we not cheating ourselves out of something as well? Do we also cheat ourselves when we are dishonest, in situations in which we continue to engage in the same types of destructive behaviors, and expect different results? Where do we draw the line, and set appropriate boundaries?
Are you a cheater? What can you do to make your life a more fulfilling one?
As a note, I have received so many emails and comments inquiring about myself. Thank you. I am fine. Going back to work, coupled with the grieving over my dog had taken its toll upon me, and I was cheating myself from joy, which is what inspired this post. I have decided, I will refuse to let Astro die. (at least for now.)
Thank you for your minds.
25 Comments:
after a little thought, maybe i cheat myself out of doing things because i'm too dependent on another person for help (mostly things i don't know, but could take a class or learn, if there were time ... since there isn't much time, i'm dependent).
p.s. sometimes a break from things is good -- some quiet, some rest, etc.
i know i'm cheating my self of being really happy living close to my family in Israel.
i'm actually being cheated of that.
I just wanted to say how very glad I am you're back. I missed you. I know how it is necessary to take a breather and it sounds as though you have found a new perspective that is working for you.
...we continue to engage in the same types of destructive behaviors, and expect different results?
I recognize this phrase - it appears to be the definition of insanity! It is a definition I have known for too long. It wasn't until a little over 18 months ago that I started doing some diferent things - and the results? Unbelievable.
Everything will be ok, it always is. Welcome back!
~Mike
You know its interesting; when it comes to infidelity I have always had problems with using the word cheating and its connotation; which might be acting unfairly or out o the rules, to gain an edge. But, what edge are you getting in infidelity? Extra Sexual Pleasure without the responsabilities? I dont know.
But it is a very interesting point the one that you bring. Within that "cheating" how are the people involved really "cheating" themselves? So who are they really cheating on?
And I guess this applies to every form of cheating. A student cheating on a test is cheating him/herself of learning. So we might be cheating ourselves everytime we cheat on anything.I think the solution is to ask oneself, what is the real gain of my actions.
Oh Barbara,
and by the way, referring to your last post, I think I disagree with you saying this might not be the forum for your personal situations.
I think that writing and thinking about it them as you write, helps out, not only in venting, but in looking at them from the 'outside'. I can see the different changes in mood regarding Astro, and your healing process taking place. Where else can I have a first row seat for such a human event?
Over the years, I've cheated myself out of peace of mind and happiness. And I knew it. I was miserable to be around, so miserable I didn't want to be around myself. So I took stock of my life and figured out what it was I needed in order to be happy and fulfilled.
1. Autonomy and finacial independence through a fulfilling career
2. Rural living in a log home
3. Lots of pets
4. Long term loving commitment with someone worthy.
I have the first comoponet of each on my list. While I do not have autonomy and financial indepence yet, I have made major strides in getting there. I graduate with my bachelors in the spring and will be going to law school in the fall. I live in rural New Hampshire and will buy land to build a log home once some of my school debt is paid off. I have three cats and a dog and will introduce more when living on a bigger piece of property with a bigger home. And the best part, I am married to the most awesome man on the planet who supports all my endevors.
My pieces are falling into place and with each piece of the puzzle where it belongs, I creep closer and closer to peace of mind and happiness.
Hello B,
I am a cheater by way of FEAR. I am cheating myself from going for my dreams. There are a few dreams I have, that I wish I could just be brave and go for, but alas I am petrified of failure. Fear of failure is cheating me out of some grand adventures.
I guess the old saying is right, Cheaters Never Win.
xo
I'm so glad you are back, Barbara. :-)
Glad you are still blogging!
"Cheating" wow....good question. I have never had problems with fidelity but I do know I cheated myself and those important to me in other ways because I was unable to face my own internal conflicts. Some where along the way I learned the value of intellectual honesty in dealing with internal and external problems. I still have to work at it, but it helps....a lot
Great post, Barbara. I would say that engaging in any destructive behaviors is definitely a way of cheating ourselves.
I love your posts because they always give me pause for thought and reflection.
Welcome back.
Thought provoking...
Happiness is such a vague term though. One can attain happiness on so many different leves. It's also a borrowed term. What the world today calls "happiness" is far from true happiness.
So I guess one can bend his/her outlook to attain happiness in any situation theyre given...thus averting doing anything drastic to quell that feeling of being "cheated"
I think we all tend to cheat ourselves of joy at times. We need to remember the many blessing that the Lord has given to use and not let ourselves wallow in sadness for too long.
Remember the good times with Astro and keep him in your heart always.
It's hard to say how I'm cheating but I'm sure I am, and I try to make my life better by being fair to myself and not expecting more than I can accomplish. Taking short-cuts to get things done, feeling rushed, and trying to get through things as fast as possible cheats me out of stopping to smell the roses sometimes I think. I bottle anger up because impatience achieving job status makes me feel like I don't have time to worry about anything but success. However, This makes me feel vain. I think you cheat when you focus on the outcome of things rather than realizing "it's just a game". The feeling of being trapped and wanting to have security is cheating me out of the fact that I may never feel secure and that the real gift is the constant challenge, which I can ignore.
They found that teacher's cheating went up in 1996 in Chicago classrooms after the Leave No Child Behind campaign was signed and standardized testing started. Teachers were so afraid of losing their jobs that they cheated for their students or in one case, wrote all the answers on the blackboard so that the students would get them all right. Do you blame them?
Confession: I think it's more tempting to cheat when you're feeling less confident about yourself. For a pirate the only rules are what you can do and what you can't, and for a Spartan, cheating was expected. I think competitive cultures nurture cheating. It's a danger because you cheat yourself out of feeling like you are someone that you can look at in the mirror, and it's a downward spiral. When you feel insignificant and powerless compared to the billions of people all struggling to survive, you don't think that anyone will notice, if you cheat, just a little.
Adam Smith the great economist hypothesized that although humans consistently cheat on occasion, for the most part there are calculated advantages to honesty and in the welfare of others over oneself. Glaucon in Plato's Republic thought that if there were a magic ring -the ring of Gyges, which could make you invisible, it would be impossible not to resist putting it on and stealing, pillaging, CHEATING ect, and get everything they could by unjust means. Someone like Socrates dispised tricks and thought it was better to know yourself. I think you can only know yourself if you are just to yourself as well. That requires learning not to cheat. So I think cheating contains a certain amount of willed ignorance -believing that things are ok despite the knowledge that you're being unfair. Treating people/matters differently even though you know they deserve the same respect and consideration.
Hummm... it is quite an interesting question.
How about when we engage in non distructive behaviors in life that cheats us out of being really happy? Avoiding things for the good of the whole and not being true to yourself? I struggle with this one. I would be somewhere else right this moment if I were not a mom and wife.... but alas... I am. So I continue to do the 'right' things and feel like I am dieing a slow death in suburban paradise.
I was happy to see your comment on my blog. I like to come over here because you have so many insightful posts.
I remember when as an adult I started to examine some of my childhood fears that I'd had. One was of the house burning down. (that one started in 2nd grade. It came from a film we watched at school)I thot about all the sleep i lost because our house never did burn down. I realized I was cheating myself out of peace of mind because of my phobias.
I still am a phobic person, but sometimes the thot that I am cheating myself helps override it.
P.S. you gave me a good idea for a post on my own blog, about being phobic.
Barb - I"m glad you're back. In some of my recent travels we found this quote:
An indulgence that alleviates stress is often a better choice than a sacrifice that creates tension
in conjunction with your post about cheating I would have to admit that I definitely cheat myself out a great many things.
Glad you're back, Barb. (Even as I go away...)
I cheated myself out of time with my family for many years. When I finally figured it out, I left the oorporate world. Thankfully, it wasn't too late.
You know sometimes in life....you have other issues to focus on...as in being a wife or a mother....and forget about yourself.....so you cheat your own self....to see joy in other's eyes!!!
Glad to see you posting!!!
Have a great day!!!
It's good to see you haven't completely abandoned blogging, and if the posts are infrequent, so be it, it'll give us something to look forward too.
Good post and good question.
I agree that cheating oneself out of something basic to a happy life is foolish, alas often choosing not to cheat can hurt so many around us and that's the real question, who is more important myself ?or my loved ones?
I guess you could say I'm cheating on myself for not daring to open up more - I'm missing out on some friendships that way I'd guess - but I'm too afraid of getting hurt...
Barbara, I like your mind!
ref Datingmasterjerusalem, I seriously don't understand this guy. It seems our comments, while on his topic, are somehow offensive. He just invited me to no longer visit his blog. I simply have no idea where he's coming from.
If you would, please e-mail me and help me sort this thing out. I would prefer to converse via e-mail not comments.
vatum
Some excellent comments here.
I truly appreciate the honesty and williness to look at this issue from the inside out.
DM- the comments I have left on your blog are in fact on point. You talk about your wife getting an IUD instead of birth control, and I talk about you getting a vasectomy as an alternative. You just do not like the answer, but this is indeed on point.
As for the comments about the Holy City, being pictured in this post, I still maintain it is somewhat offensive to talk about your wife's IUD's and picture the flag of Israel. But this is my humble opinion. It seems that you may need to take a good, honest look at yourself. I know you say your issues are serious, but they do seem to be rather one-sided. Just my two cents.
Glad to see yer return, gal! As for cheating, golly! I was the hard-core monogamist with both wives and that got me kicked out of the first for not being "experimental" enough and, well, the second one never did say why she booted me out.
But, up until just a few weeks ago, I was cheating on myself. I kept thinking there was a chance #2 would call me back and for that, I continued the vows (don't look in my heart for I have only GOD to answer up to for those thoughts) in a physical sense, y'know? Just in case she had ever called me back, she would say how many beds have you been in, and my answer would be the BEST!
"NONE!" I would say.....
How is this cheating, you may ask.
She booted me out eighteen years ago.
Oh.
Thankfully a girl on the blogs I traveled to asked me what seemed two innocuous questions, and in the course of answering them, I fully realized this #2 ain't never coming back.
I am trash left on the curb, picked up, taken to the dump and dropped off in the stinkiest place availiable to her.
So, that would be cheating on myself, but I'm trying (I think) to pull out of this nose dive to oblivion-for-nothing-ride and find a date.
OK, that was the good news.
Now the bad news....
and you can be mad at me if'n ya want, but, just after my Ha Ha San died, I wrote a piece of music (OK, "write" is a strange word for it,....it was a music maker program)
Anyway. I put the song together and everytime I listen to it I cry.
I see pictures of her, I cry.
I remember things she did, I cry.
But, I let GOD let me cry. I miss the heck outa m'dog. She deserved way better'n me. But, dang! Did she ever get the good treats on the way out! And the burial was very special, too. Yeah, I was crying the whole dang time, but all else I could think of was her and her one cool pup that we ended up with (he found a car) and the two of 'em running so fast through the woods and fields....
Yes, I'm crying again.
And it's OK cause I needed to.
Stupid LIFE! All the time hurting us and torturing us. What're we supposed to do? Get tougher?!?
Stupid life.....
(thankyou, anyway, GOD)
I think everyone cheats at some time or another, in some area or another.
But I don't think that denying ourselves something is akin to "cheating".
After all, we see "cheating" as a dishonest move, a way to manipulate. And we ALL have done one of these things (or something similar) at some point or another:
1) Sexual cheating
2) Thinking about sexually cheating (indulging in explicit plans to do it without actually carrying it out)
3) Cheating in your work, whether it was doing it haphazardly or plagiarizing
4) Cheating in honesty by not telling the whole truth....
I could go on and on.
i just stumbled my way here... i had to comment.
i think sometimes our lifestyles force us to cheat ourselves out of happiness or joy or certain things we decide to sacrifice. it is finding that balance to all the compromise and still finding joy that is the trick.
once again. great post.
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