Ruminations, Thoughts and Happenings From This Past Month

These past 30 days have been very crippling in so many ways. It seems as if I have become so consumed with loss and grief, and pain, that I have been unable to live any type of meaningful life, at least one that would be defined in a satisfactory way to me as a person. When an individual is stricken with such loss, it seems as if he/she can do one of two things: become a victim to his/her pain, let it become consuming and loose oneself inside of it, or allow it to become transformative and find some meaning in it in order to move forward in the best way that one can. Being a woman with many interests and passions, and one of strength, it has usually been the case that pain can be transcended and I am able to move forward and find that meaning and let it blossom into something positive and real. Unfortunately, this has not been the case over the past thirty days, and I am sorry to say, that each day has been lived improperly.

What this means, to be exact, but private, is that a personal tragedy resulting in pain has become so consuming that life has become a series of mechanical movements. Each morning, I wake up, I pray, exercise, make my lunch, go to work, come home, and wait for the day to end. No reading, writing, listening to music, no communicating with others, no writing emails. On occassion, I will look at some internet sites, and I have been making purchases (everything now is Made in Israel), but other than that, the life that has been led has been one occupied by a dead person, not one filled with life, joy and happiness.

Of course, it is my intent, from this day forward, to try and transcend this pain and difficulty and move forward. It is something that I really, truly long to do as best as I can, but if the truth be told, I confess, it is not easy to do, at least for today.

So my solution is to write, to use what I have always known to get me to the other side of a problem, or transform pain, the power of the written word is so dramatic. It is the case that just from writing this post, I am beginning to feel a bit of light come through my fingers, and hopefully penetrate inside of my heart.

Although these are truly challenging and difficult times, I must remember how important it is to be there to help others too. Listen to friends, offer help to those in need, and continue to give sincere advice and be a good friend to those around me. Maintaining relationships, whether in person, via email, phone or blogging is essential as well. In being good to others, one can find freedom for oneself too.

That being said, it is truly the case, that every day is a new day. This day, which has been difficult is almost over. There are few answers in what ifs, and little to be solved by 'why did this happen, or not happen in a certain way.' It is important to be greatful and stay in the present....

And so, with all my heart, soul and resources, I desire to be positive and move forward....

Thank you for your minds.