Staying Silent v. Speaking One's Mind
As a never-ending thinker, it seems as if I frequently have something to say. In many situations, I am thankful that I do not always say what I think, as words can often get us in trouble and we can regret their utterance. As I have become older, however, I have learned that silence can often be more powerful than uttering words.
When do we stay silent and when do we speak? For me, the decision is not always clear, but if I am about to speak and my words may become potentially hurtful or harmful to someone else, I have learned to bite my tongue first (sometimes literally, I might add) and think about what I am going to say and how it might affect another person. I have learned, however, that to stay silent, when I feel like saying something, and having the words percolate inside me like coffee grinds being ready for that morning brew, are not healthy for my own insides. In those instances, I must speak. In these situations, saying nothing is not more powerful than uttering the words, because then I am affected in some detrimental way. Having just had an a couple of experiences with these issues, both involved in my writing letters to other people or institutions, I can honestly say that I feel better for having spoken.
Where do you draw the line between speaking and staying silent? Are you someone who speaks more often, or stays silent most of the time?
Thank you for your minds.
When do we stay silent and when do we speak? For me, the decision is not always clear, but if I am about to speak and my words may become potentially hurtful or harmful to someone else, I have learned to bite my tongue first (sometimes literally, I might add) and think about what I am going to say and how it might affect another person. I have learned, however, that to stay silent, when I feel like saying something, and having the words percolate inside me like coffee grinds being ready for that morning brew, are not healthy for my own insides. In those instances, I must speak. In these situations, saying nothing is not more powerful than uttering the words, because then I am affected in some detrimental way. Having just had an a couple of experiences with these issues, both involved in my writing letters to other people or institutions, I can honestly say that I feel better for having spoken.
Where do you draw the line between speaking and staying silent? Are you someone who speaks more often, or stays silent most of the time?
Thank you for your minds.
14 Comments:
Great post, B. I struggle with this issue all the time. I don't have any answers and will probably change my view several times before arriving at any consistent conclusions, but my current position is that staying silent is generally the wisest (and safest) course of action, but when my I can tell that my silence communicates something inauthentic (e.g., approval of a situation of that I emphatically do NOT approve), it's time to speak.
It doesn't even matter if my words are effective. Sometimes it's important just to get them out there so the other party knows I am NOT OKAY WITH THIS. What they choose to do with that information is up to them. I find that speaking my mind is much more likely to be effective if I don't tell other people what to do, but instead focus on what I will do if they continue with their current course of action. For instance: "I can't handle talking to you when you're intoxicated. If you call me drunk again I will hang up the phone." Of course it's not worth shit if you don't follow through, so you have to sit and think very seriously about your boundaries and what you are willing to take. If you cave in after the 20th call, the caller learns that the Low Low Price of your company at 3:00am is 20 calls. NOT something you want to reinforce. :-)
Anyhoo, I think too many people use silence as a CYA move; they're afraid of retaliation (and I don't blame them, as I am too), but unfortunately their silence often implies indifference or acceptance. When I see some injustice taking place and everyone is standing around with their eyes wide and their mouths shut, I think, "Oh damn, here I go again," because SOMEBODY has to stand up for what's right.
Unfortunately this has created the impression among my friends and loved ones that I am invulnerable (they confuse courage with invulnerability), so when the injustice is happening to me, there's usually no one there to speak up for me.
There are very admirable exceptions, of course. :-) (hugs to B)
"It doesn't even matter if my words are effective. Sometimes, it's important just to get them out."
Very well put, K. Recently, I had some issue surface regarding an insurance bill. I had called to explain my position regarding the issue, which was in the form of a complaint regarding medical care. Rather than be diplomatic about the issue, the person on the other end requested release forms three times. After staying silent twice, I realized it was time to say something, not only for me, but for other individuals who may be put in this same position. Harassment is not tolerated, and in the end, I ended up writing a letter to the Medical Board. I was only willing to stay silent so long as the issues were being handled in a fair, respectful matter, but once that line was crossed, dramatic measures were needed so that my voice could be heard as clearly as possible.
Yeah, good post. Hmmm. Well, I've always tended to be quiet and shy and slow to speak (I mean, beyond my small circle of family and friends). I think, in part, that's why blogging is so therapeutic for me. "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt" has been my working motto. But as I get older, I speak up more and more. Where you have to bite your tongue to hold back, I sometimes have to pinch myself for the opposite effect -- to MAKE myself speak! I guess I try to speak up if I believe something dangerous, morally wrong, or just plain idiotic will transpire if I don't.
I, way too often, hold my tongue...I try to be tactful, to a fault. I really do NOT do well with confrontation. Like you I let things "percolate" within and then....watch out. I have been trying to change this approach over the last year or so but I still have a long way to go. Wouldn't it be nice if we could say everything that we think and not worry about who it may hurt...or insult...of aggrevate.
I generally don't speak my mind unless it is in a situation that I feel really matters. I'm not going to spout off at someone I don't know in the store, for instance. I will, however, not be pushed around. In the past, I've been a very non-confrontational kind of person, and I've not been one to stand up for myself. Over the past years, I've learned that at times it is necessary that I speak up even if it means that a fiery confrontation ensues. It's all about choosing my battles. I agree with you, that sometimes I have to hold back and not say what's on my mind. Ooooh, that's hard to do.
See, what a great post. I have the exact opposite problem. I can't not speak my opinion, especially when I'm well informed about whatever debate I'm about to get myself into.
With that, however comes the problem that I don't often think about other peoples feelings before I start scorching everything around me. It's a problem... I'm working on it.
And If you are representing a corporation in any aspect; from telemarketer to insurance adjuster, all bets are off. Chances are if I'm yelling at you there's a crisis and crisis management is part of your job, so I figure you can just deal. I know, I know it's a problem... I'm working on it.
What great reponses!
I do hope that I have not misled anyone to think I am the shy, quiet type. Actually, I have had to LEARN to stay silent. This is not a form of communication that comes natural to me.
That being said, Dan, I totally understand where you are coming from in this respect. It takes experience, practice, humility and some degree of grace to learn to stay silent. But when I can and do, the gifts seem to outweigh the foibles of my speaking my mind, which I can and do very well, thank you.
I am quite comfortable being silent or speaking up depending on the situation.
Sometimes people are quite comfortable being in denial and who am I to judge them.
There have been several times where I have spoken up and had it backfire on me. But, I have no regrets for having spoken up!
I used to speak my mind. Boy did I ever!
However, I now find myself in a situation where I am an extreme minority in almost every sense of the word. I am surrounded by people so unlike myself that at times I feel almost alien.
I have to keep my mouth shut now out of self preservation. I also have to worry about how what I say may effect my daughter. I keep my mouth shut for her sake.
I guess that is why I started my blog, I needed to vent and I can't do it live and in person.
For me, it really depends on the individual issue, and also on the other person (or people) involved. I like to think that I'd always speak out against racist jokes or comments, but if the president of my company said something inappropriate? I have to be honest and say I would probably keep my mouth shut, while silently judging that person. I realize that is not a very courageous stance, but that's who I am at this time. If it were a co-worker, or even my own boss, who made a racist or chauvanistic remark, I'd be more likely to say something.
My own parents, for example, are prejudiced. Without meaning to come across badly, they make all kinds of remarks that I find offensive. I do speak up when my dad says, for the zillionth time, that all the (insert racial slur) in his neighborhood are bringing down the property values. But am I going to change the opinion of a 70-year-old man? Not likely. But at least I've let him know I don't agree.
I don't like conflict and I don't seek it out. But I am working on not being afraid to speak my mind ... especially where racism and injustice are concerned.
I grew up in an area where just about everyone is predjudice-not just agains other races but against everything new and mysterious. My hometown is the antithesis of politically correct, but it is mostly because they are very ignorant to other cultures and other parts of the world. Where I am from just about everyone openly speaks their mind because just about everyone thinks the same way.
I now live in another part of the country and I have come to learn that silence is golden. My views are not the same as most of my friends here, so I am very selective with my words. I let my deeds and actions do the talking for me. My situation and life are very different from most of my friends so it is no wonder that our views are very different.
I am pretty open minded, so I stay silent a lot so I can learn from other people. Sometimes I learn very valuable things, and I sometimes I learn that they are idiots and I never want to hang out with them again.
Glad that I came across this post...I was catching up on all your recent posts, reading through the comments, and while the very core of my being wanted to scream out my opinion on some of them...I decided it wasn't worth it to get into a spitting match.
There is nothing to gain by inserting my thoughts into some of these conversations because those responding don't appear to be looking for a different point of view for consideration. I have experienced it myself in posting that an opposing viewpoint (especially any viewpoint that is pro-America) draws heavy fire. I know where I stand on things...I know what I base my beliefs in...and it is not worth the mental anguish of drawing fire from total strangers who know only snippets about me from what I post...and then extrapolate that out into who they think I am based on my belief system and what they see in the media.
I am not George Bush's keeper -- he's a big boy and can defend his own policies... But I will tell you that I support him. That doesn't mean that he gets a pass on everything he does.
I am not Jesus' keeper, either ...He doesn't need the likes of me defending Him and His teachings. I will never deny that He has changed my life, but neither will I engage in a debate about "what is Christian" and "what isn't" in today's society because there are so many who do things in the name of Christianity that couldn't be further from the truth. And then all the people who are truly growing in their faith and doing good things for their families and community are painted with this broad brush of what naysayers believe "Christians" are -- these hate-mongering, gay-hating, self-righteous nut jobs. I think looking back through my posts or my own blog that I don't fit any of those descriptions.
So, all that said (and you'd never guess that I ever hold back!), I have really been picking and choosing where I chime in. Some discussions really aren't discussions, but more of an occasion to vent. And that is fine. Sometimes I feel the need to join in..but sometimes, I don't.
Whit,
So happy to see you back.
You express yourself with such grace and elegance, with respect and care for others around you. Thank you for such grace and sensitivity.
I like Dan, have the problem of being unable most of the time, to keep my mouth shut. And like you B.F.Cali, of trying so hard to hold it in and then stewing on it.
In my 40's now is would seem as good a time as any to be silent to most of the trivial things around me. But damnit all............yeah, i'm one of those people........... I have an opinion on just about everything and I hate this about myself. In my life, the way I would like to live it, I want to be calm,.be quiet, see more, hear more, .........be heard less.
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