Arranged Marriages in Today's Society
While attending our son's graduation, during this whirlwind weekend, we had a change to get together with his nine roommates, as well as meet many of their parents. After all, not only had our son had the unique opportunity to attend one of the great universities on the east coast, but he was able to keep company with some of the world's best and brightest young minds. I could not help but notice some beautiful young women there as well. As I was looking at these women, one in particular, the thought occurred to me, how much I wish our son had chosen a young lady like that one in particular as a future spouse. My husband, who knows me so well, claimed, that sparks were flying from my eyes, and my desire for this type of a person as a suitable mate for our son could not be hidden for a moment.
So I began thinking. (a potentially dangerous, but exilirating past-time as you may well know by now.) We know our children and what we think is best for them. We raise them to have certain beliefs, values, thoughts, morals and minds. Marriage is a union not just between two individuals, but also between two families as well as their families too. What is so bad about arranged marriages? I am not strictly speaking of a situation where a bride's face is revealed for the first time to her potential husband at the alter (an occurrence that still may occur in some societies today, but perhaps a situation where parent's chose potential (not absolute) mates for their children.)
Can arranged marriages work for our children in society today?
Thank you for your minds.
So I began thinking. (a potentially dangerous, but exilirating past-time as you may well know by now.) We know our children and what we think is best for them. We raise them to have certain beliefs, values, thoughts, morals and minds. Marriage is a union not just between two individuals, but also between two families as well as their families too. What is so bad about arranged marriages? I am not strictly speaking of a situation where a bride's face is revealed for the first time to her potential husband at the alter (an occurrence that still may occur in some societies today, but perhaps a situation where parent's chose potential (not absolute) mates for their children.)
Can arranged marriages work for our children in society today?
Thank you for your minds.
13 Comments:
Hmmm, interesting subject as usual!
I won't always be there to hold my daughter's hand and keep her from running into the street. It is my duty to teach her to look both ways and pay attention to traffic lights.
Likewise, it is my duty to instill the confidence, the inquisitiveness and the appreciation of the world around her in order to give her the skills necessary to make the REALLY BIG decisions for herself.
I think the one big thing arranged marriage has going for it is that family support is built in from the beginning. Couples whose parents disapprove of their union find themselves adrift on their own little ice floe. When things get rough, who is there to help them work it out? They're on their own. People are stunned that arranged marriages work, but I don't find it surprising at all. Family support is a powerful adhesive.
That said, I can't imagine being married to someone I didn't really like, let alone love. My personal ideal would be a marriage of love and friendship between the couple, with as much family support and approval (on both sides) as possible.
I know a couple who went to the same church in high school and whose families were both very involved in the church. As the couple grew closer the families grew closer. The marriage ended up looking like a hybrid between chosen and arranged marriage; everybody's values were in accord. When the husband developed a little, er, problem with video porn, you should have seen the way the family members rallied. The male "elders" basically staged an intervention and told him he was throwing away his marriage, that both families would support the wife's decision to divorce if the husband didn't change his ways NOW. That got his rear in gear. He realized that jeopardizing his marriage would mean jeopardizing both families' relationships with him too.
I'm not a parent so I can't really imagine how difficult it is to just let go and let your kid make choices that you *know* will lead to grief. Ugh, it must be awful! On the other hand, you can't save your kid from sorrow by making all his/her choices. It's not possible.
And do you really think A would let you??? Ha!!! ;-)
Winterwheat is such a wise, insightful woman.
That being said, I think you know why I like you so much, and admire your opinions.
Sometimes I wonder if, as you have pointed out by your example, if arranged marraiges work because of the family support rather than in spite of it. It is comforting, and certainly can be beneficial when the going gets tough for the family members to remind the couple what the point and purpose of their relationship is to one another. Like you, I cannot imagine marrying someone I did not love. I am not suggeting by arranged marriage a relationship where two people are set up to "learn to love one another down the road." That kind of arrangement begins with a disability and would be difficult to cure.
You are right: my son does not even tell me who he dates! The idea of me arranging a marriage for him would not even be a possibility. My daughter, on the other hand, does not think it is such a bad idea! Go figure.
What a thought-provoking topic! I have had several 'interesting' conversations and observations about marriage this past week. Total strangers and close friends alike. (Too long to go into in a blog comment...)
I honestly would have to think long and hard about arranged marriages and whether or not they would work -- not something I've ever really thought about, so I don't know off the top of my head what I would consider the pros and cons. But I have to say that you all have really made quite a case in favor of it! On the converse though, with the high divorce rates, it appears that even the marriages that people arrange on their own aren't working out, so what would be the incentive to stick around with someone your family paired you up with? (Yikes, that was a bit cynical.)
But I think another question to ask is when did "commitment" begin to have a contingency plan?
The definition of commitment is
"the trait of sincere and steadfast fixity of purpose; 2: the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action.
As a casual observer of culture, it appears that more and more people enter into marriage with the commitment of being happy...and if that isn't always the case, then they are off the hook.
So I guess that goes back to my first question...regardless of who arranges the marriage, WHY has marriage become so seemingly disposable?
(Hi Barb...Haven't been on in awhile...traveling -- congrats on your son's graduation!)
I'm all for it! We tease our kids all the time about how their potential spouses will have to walk the gauntlet of Mom and Dad. I feel sorry for the poor kids they bring to meet us.
I'm sure we would find wonderfully suitable mates for our kids, but for some reason I don't think they will give us the opportunity.
It still happens often today in many Asian Indian families- the thought is that the families can find someone who is most suitable for their children, because they know their children best, and their judgement is not clouded by infatuation/love.
I've read articles on these situations, and many of these couples end up falling in love with each other after they've already married each other. I say whatever works, I guess.
Miss you B!!
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All wonderful comments!
Thank you Angela and allen for visiting this blog, and for your insightful comments!
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