The Act of Deletion: empowering or Self-Destruction?
How many of us take what appears to be dramatic measures for unknown reasons? Is it not, or can it not be exhilarating to press that button to create an act of self-destruction? What does it all mean? How much is truly known, but unrevealing? How often do we think we know why someone does something, only to be completely off the mark?
This post may only be informative to some, and I will explain. I belonged to a fragrance site for more than two years. It was a fun place to visit, engage in the discussion of fragrances from around the world, and develop a community of friendship and bonds that could exist in the virtual world. Some of them turned quite personal, resulting in wonderful telephone conversations and meetings. Today, I deleted my account meaning that I am no longer a member there. The reason I did this was because another woman from that site, someone whom I care deeply about was hurt, and she felt angry and betrayed. I did not like seeing her feel like that, so as a show of support for her, I wanted to self-destruct too. It was a dramatic act, but one that I felt compelled to do in order to make a statement about not hurting the women I care about. Drama that results in the continuance of unhealthy relationships is not something that I find to be enjoyable in any realm. For me, the deletion was empowering, and an exercise in self care. That being said, it felt empowering and brought about a sense of inner peace. The strange, and somewhat surreal act, was that when I pressed deleted, for some reason, unknown to me, I was unable to self-destruct. Just when I thought the act of pressing the button would bring about a sense of empowering, it resulted in a calamity of humor.
For those of you women who know me from that site and are reading this blog, thank you for all your years of support, knowledge and friendship. As many of you must know by now, I am a person who feels quite passionately about others being treated fairly and abhor mean-spirited, negative and hurtful behavior. My acts were both a form of self-sacrifice and also a statement of standing up for those very things that I consider sacred, especially friendship and fairness.
Good health and peace to you all.
Thank you for your minds.
This post may only be informative to some, and I will explain. I belonged to a fragrance site for more than two years. It was a fun place to visit, engage in the discussion of fragrances from around the world, and develop a community of friendship and bonds that could exist in the virtual world. Some of them turned quite personal, resulting in wonderful telephone conversations and meetings. Today, I deleted my account meaning that I am no longer a member there. The reason I did this was because another woman from that site, someone whom I care deeply about was hurt, and she felt angry and betrayed. I did not like seeing her feel like that, so as a show of support for her, I wanted to self-destruct too. It was a dramatic act, but one that I felt compelled to do in order to make a statement about not hurting the women I care about. Drama that results in the continuance of unhealthy relationships is not something that I find to be enjoyable in any realm. For me, the deletion was empowering, and an exercise in self care. That being said, it felt empowering and brought about a sense of inner peace. The strange, and somewhat surreal act, was that when I pressed deleted, for some reason, unknown to me, I was unable to self-destruct. Just when I thought the act of pressing the button would bring about a sense of empowering, it resulted in a calamity of humor.
For those of you women who know me from that site and are reading this blog, thank you for all your years of support, knowledge and friendship. As many of you must know by now, I am a person who feels quite passionately about others being treated fairly and abhor mean-spirited, negative and hurtful behavior. My acts were both a form of self-sacrifice and also a statement of standing up for those very things that I consider sacred, especially friendship and fairness.
Good health and peace to you all.
Thank you for your minds.
16 Comments:
I don't know what to say except WOW. Now I know why you adore dogs so much. You have a dog's soul. You're loyal to the core.
I have to admit that my gratitude is matched by guilt about being the woman whose account deletion prompted your account deletion. I'm so unaccustomed to such selfless acts of solidarity that I fear that somehow it was my fault and that everyone's going to be mad at me, even though your own deletion was your idea, and you had had many reasons for deleting.
Getting to the issue of empowerment or self-destruction: let's take a look at what was really destroyed. A person? No, just a persona. Relationships? Not the positive, nurturing ones we've already established. We still have our email accounts and blogs to keep those relationships alive.
Isn't life really just a series of acts of empowerment through self-destruction? You don't move toward something new without leaving something behind, and you don't leave something behind without moving toward something new. As Laurie Anderson put it, "Walking is just falling... and then catching yourself from falling... over and over again."
Here's hoping that your deletion brings you peace and time to enjoy the real-life activities that tend to get pushed aside by the compulsion to check an online board 5x a day. I would feel less guilty about your deletion if I knew that it ended up being rewarding for you. Love ya, B. :-*
The soul of a dog...I am flattered!
Your post has just proven to me that my deletion was truly rewarding.
Guilt is a useless emotion, tied up into feelings of self-loathing, I think. Creating and keeping healthy relationships, on the other, is an act of self-care.
love you too, k!
Thank you for all your support, dear Jonna.
BTW: here is K's blog:
http://www.yellingfireinacrowdedtheater.blogspot.com
Y'all come back now, y'hear. (Remember Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies)
You are a sweetie, Jonna!
Hmmm -- I am completely out of the loop on the specifics of this. BUT, I have been in a position to 'divest' myself of a relationship or an entanglement a few times in my life, and while the process was scary and uncertain at the time, I look back and am better for it. Whatever the situation was, I am proud of you Barb for not choosing to stay in the fray of something that caused a friend pain or angst.
You are a rare find indeed. Regardless of your "deletions" elsewhere, you are indelible here.
Blessings to you Whit! You are a special lady yourself. I feel as if we have an instant bond.
Please start posting on your blog again. I enjoy your writing.
b
You ladies have more courage than I do.
I purposely do not post any more in off-topic or controversial threads, but that doesn't mean that I don't have an opinion about them! After my very public display of disappointment in the new pope, I was embarrassed and decided not to do that kind of thing again.
I'm sorry to see the both of you gone from MUA. You've been valuable members and more than just names on a screen to me.
I just can't say any more than that.
Barbara I understand your solidarity but it has cut you off from a network of people who love you. You are a person who chooses the road less travelled, that is obvious especially now, but your network has dropped away. You have so much to offer in friendship and wisdom, you must build another network to share youself with people again. I know you have real-world ones, but I'm talking about the thousands of people involved in a virtual net. Don't cut yourself off from this opportunity to share. You are a treasure. Love, Lucia
Ladies,
Thank you all for your kind and heartfelt compliments. Look at it as entering a new realm inside the virtual world, not as a loss. Something I have prided myself on over the last years is learning to walk away from unhealthy relationships. Not always easy to do, but the outcome gives me a peace and tranquility. See my newest post today. I cannot control how others behave, but I can, to some extent, act in certain ways that put me in the best of all possible places.
Blessings.
yeah.
I always love people who possess the "soul of a dog."
god's chosen, ya know.
don't let anyone ever tell ya different.
I've lost a lot of people's respect from my deletions and subsequent returns. [ have to wonder if it was there to begin with, though. ]
You said it, Barbara - people focus on and judge the act, when what they ought to be seeing, or searching for, is the cause. This act, while appearing [ to some ] selfish in it's surface appearance, has an awful lot of trouble behind it. Not sure why people don't get that part.
All is never seen!
Here's a quote I found and placed on my notepad - he seemed to say this better than I ever could:
"Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see."
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Well, guys, I'm trying to hang in, but you never can tell with me. As I told you yesterday, Kris, I will not be changing to suit any person, place, or thing.
wish me luck...I stay to fight another day.
;*)
You both will be missed, and I consider this a severe blow to the Frag Board and all it's members.
I respect your decisions.
And know that if you *ever* do want to come back, no questions,, no explanation needed.
Pull up a comfy chair and be who ya are.
I really think that's a gift we all need to be giving right about now.
love ya much,
Holly & her better half,,, Julia.
Dear B & K,
I am sorry to see both of you leave. Many of the strong, wonderful women who were there when I just started out in 2003 are no longer posting. It's not the same cosy community without the two of you. I have seriously considered deleting my account, but decided not to, because there are occasions when I would like to swap for samples and add new reviews. I guess we all have to choose what to take and leave behind on this journey we call life.
Love and hugs to both of you.
Paschat
B,
I will miss you so much! (And we still haven't met!)
Please keep in touch, either through Robin or Susan, and we can try to meet up one of these days.
I've been limiting my posts too, for another reason (I think I told you about it)
Please take care my dear!
Thanks paschat and Angela for your kind words.
We will stay in touch, most defintely. And now you have both come to my blog! I am humbled and flattered.
Look at this as a new beginning, not an end to anything.
Merlot, Holly & Julia,
Thank you for visiting my blog and for your kind words, which I truly appreciate.
As I say, look at this as a new beginning, not an end. Sometimes, dramatic moves are necessary to call attention to change. I am uncertain if anyone would have known Kris had left unless it was made apparent by anyone. I acted in the best way I felt was necessary to show her support.
Keep coming back.
Blessings,
b
Barbara, I've been in similar internet/message board battles before. To this day, there is one group of posters the memory of which still burns. It's strange how "personas" become so much more. How a few words can hurt and anger, etc.
I do have mixed emotions about "leaving," having seen many a "final post" (even on my little blog I have a person telling me they'll never return because an old friend of mine was rude to them and they haven't returned!). One the one hand, walking away from people who've been hurtful is relieving. On the other hand, you're no longer there to represent the "other voice". Why be run off? Why leave the community to the bullies? That was my dilemna...I just refused to be driven off.
Big smooches and thank yous to everyone. Please come visit this blog, and stay in touch!
I am grateful for your words,
hugs and kisses,
b
B,
Hey there sweetie! I know I'm late responding to this one, but I wanted to say that you and Kris will both be sorely missed. I'll definitely keep visiting you here, though :)
Love ya!
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