How we React to Others; How do you set boundaries?
I was just reading over someone elses blog, and found myself able to relate when she was talking about her relationship with her familiy members, and her reaction to them. Sometimes, our family members, friends, children, husbands, and even strangers do things to piss us off, make us angry, and our knee jerk reaction is to flee the scene. Walk away, tell them to f*** off, and leave. Sometimes, we walk away completely, leaving only a trail of crumbs behind. But are these reactions really helpful in the end to our own peace of mind? Are we talking care of ourselves, or hurting ourselves when we act so quickly without thinking? Does it build resentments and anger, and not create a healthy space for ourselves? Who gets hurt the most in the end?
As you can see from my post below, I think that the better way is to set healthy boundaries for ourselves. To set forth the lines that people can and cannot cross, and let them be known, in a kind, loving way, if at all possible. Anger, ultimately, just hurts ourselves, and makes us feel more pain and suffering. Setting boundaries, tells others, we are not door-mats, this is where you can and cannot go, and it makes a statement for yourself that you can live with in a healthy way. Sometimes setting boundaries means stepping away from unhealthy relationships. Other times, it means letting people know what the definition and extent of our limits, and where we are at when the line is crossed.
Here is the question of the day: When you become angry, frustrated, or someone gets to you how do you deal with it? What is the best method for letting people know what your personal boundaries are and how to respect them?
Thank you for your minds.
As you can see from my post below, I think that the better way is to set healthy boundaries for ourselves. To set forth the lines that people can and cannot cross, and let them be known, in a kind, loving way, if at all possible. Anger, ultimately, just hurts ourselves, and makes us feel more pain and suffering. Setting boundaries, tells others, we are not door-mats, this is where you can and cannot go, and it makes a statement for yourself that you can live with in a healthy way. Sometimes setting boundaries means stepping away from unhealthy relationships. Other times, it means letting people know what the definition and extent of our limits, and where we are at when the line is crossed.
Here is the question of the day: When you become angry, frustrated, or someone gets to you how do you deal with it? What is the best method for letting people know what your personal boundaries are and how to respect them?
Thank you for your minds.
30 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Thanks sweetie, but it was in response to your giving post, which disappeared and/or was replaced with the boundaries post. Woe is me, I typed it all out but didn't save it. :-(
WW
You are too quick on the draw. I was reforurmulating the giving post, which is back now, and I do hope you answer this post, and you have been a great inspiration to me in this area.
xox
b
Okay, all's well. SO -- about boundaries.
I've had lots of practice with this because my boundaries were almost nonexistent when I was growing up. My parents and older brothers all smoked 2 packs/day so the air I breathed was always dirty (bummer because I had asthma). My brother would practice electric guitar until 1:00am so I couldn't sleep. He also beat me up about 2 times a week, and even slugged my friends a couple of times because they happened to be in his way when he walked through a room. Both brothers would spy on me when I was in my room and listen in on my phone calls. They would steal my things when it suited them. When I started dating, one of my brothers would intercept letters, flowers, etc., so I'd never receive them. He even steamed open some of my letters. My mother, seeing me as an extension of herself, would be furious when we'd travel and I'd want my own room. (She lit up her first cigarette at about 4:00am, so in addition to the smoke invasion I'd have sleep deprivation.) She saw it as a denial of HER rather than my simple desire to avoid an asthma attack.
The only boundary violation I did not have to endure was sexual abuse, which is the ultimate boundary violation, in every conceivable way. That's why it causes such severe damage.
Anyway, it took a LONG time to realize that I had the right to my own boundaries, AND that I was under no obligation to justify them. When I realized this the simplicity of it all just about bowled me over. I actually laughed out loud. I realized how many needless HOURS I've spent in conflict with others, trying to justify my need for the simplest things such as clean air, quiet, and privacy, to people who sincerely believed that I had no right to those things. There's no point in convincing them. You don't need them to change their behavior at ALL to be able to reclaim your boundaries. This is KEY.
I remember when I bought my first house, my mother came to visit and immediately lit up a cigarette. I told her there would be no smoking in the house, and asked if she could do it in the breezeway ('50s house feature). She took a big drag, walked right up to me, smirked, and blew the smoke in my face. It was a big fat FUCK YOU. I had to restrain myself from picking her up by the bra straps and throwing her out on her ass.
That's when I realized that it's pointless to try to get people to change their behavior. That's no the goal. This realization was incredibly liberating for me. What I realized is that I can make my boundaries clear, and the people who aren't willing to respect them will weed themselves out. The remaining people are those willing to meet me halfway, which is what intimate relationships are all about anyway.
So, what do I DO when someone oversteps my boundaries? I tell them they've overstepped my boundaries and let them know what I'll do if they do it again. My action usually involves removing myself from the interaction, since you can't force other people to do anything without resorting to violence. So, if it's an abusive phone call, I say, "If you continue to talk to me like that, I'm going to hang up." When they continue I say, "Okay, goodbye" and hang up. Then I don't answer when they call back. If I'm dealing with habitual boundary violators (family), I make sure I always have the ability to remove myself at a moment's notice (car access is crucial). My father has visited my home because he's not a boundary violator, but my mother and brothers aren't invited here because there's nowhere for me to go when/if they become abusive. It's the sad truth.
You ALWAYS have to remember that the price of your companionship is civil treatment, and take care that you NEVER reward people who degrade you or make fun of you or otherwise damage you. Your continued attention and investment IS a reward. Someone posts a nasty, disrespectful comment on your blog? Delete! (Ah, didn't that feel good?)
The other helpful thing is to sit down and really think about the types of treatment you are willing to take, and the types you are completely unwilling to take. Write it down, even. For instance, you might decide that you'll put up with your father's nastiness for very short periods of time, just to keep family contact. So you set your boundaries in terms of time -- visits to Dad are not to exceed 48 hours, and you must have a car to get out of the house if his behavior becomes dangerous in any way during that time. It's really helped me to have plans like this. It makes you feel empowered and far less anxious. Instead of thinking of other people's behavior as something you are responsible for molding and changing, you accept them as they are and turn your energy to protecting yourself. And never forget that removing yourself from contact is VERY powerful. You might call it passive resistance, but it's heavy-duty. Humans are social animals. Being left alone because your behavior is unacceptable is painful (think solitary confinement). If people value your company, they will learn very quickly how they need to behave to maintain contact. And if they don't value your company enough to behave as needed, well, don't you want to know that?
Dear god, this was long. Sorry. *grimace*
Oh, what an awesome line, WW:
"the price of your companionship is civil treatment..."
Winterwheat,
Beautiful! But you didn't tell us what you did after your Mom went ahead and lit up in your new home anyways? I would have picked her up bodily and thrown her out the front door.
Your post is so right. The only thing that *I* am conflicted on is when to delete a post. I almost deleted some posts from my own blog recently, but decided not to because it reflected the person and not me. I also decided it gave me the opportunity to revisit something I had written about much earlier.
Saur,
I devoted much thought to this issue of when and whether to delete comments. As you may see in my post, A New Pair of Glasses, I have come to the conclusion that the blog belogs to the blogger. It is up to you to decide whether boundaries have been crossed. This is your right. You have the right to edit comments, delete them, or choose not to have comments made at all. This is your right, absolutely. The balance also is yours to make.
Saur,
Aw, shucks, thanks. *blushes*
I wish I could tell you I did something kickass but in truth I probably just seethed and let it go (she did end up going outside). But I don't think she came back to my house again. Oh wait -- there was the time she showed up when my husband and I were at work and cut down all the bushes in our front yard. She claimed that we needed it and that she was doing us a "favor." I came home to find her standing amid all the stubbly nubs, pruning shears in hand. She was furious that I didn't invite her in the house and told everyone afterward that I was selfish and ungrateful.
Since then I've moved to another state and she stopped speaking to me. (How dare I set/enforce THAT BIG a boundary!) It's been 3.5 years and the only member of my family to visit me is my dad, which suits me just fine. :-)
I get rid of my frustrations the old fashioned way: blogging.
Winterwheat said:
And never forget that removing yourself from contact is VERY powerful. You might call it passive resistance, but it's heavy-duty. Humans are social animals. Being left alone because your behavior is unacceptable is painful (think solitary confinement)
I so agree with you here. However, sometime *you* end up being the one in solitary.
I stopped talking to *both* my mother and fathers extended family a few years ago due to unacceptable behavior on their parts. I also don't talk to my mother or brother, my only direct relatives. This has left me the odd one out without any communication with my kin. And it's very lonely.
I usually explain to the person that I'm upset, tha I need a minute to get my thoughts in order, then expalin why I'm upset, and discuss the problem.
WinterWheat, that was a very powerful story. When I start getting angry, I try to analyze what the specific obstacle is. Is it a rule? An interpretation of a rule? Is it someone's preference? Is it the laws of physics?
Then I see how it can be a win/win situation. Usually there is some way. Or how there can be a compromise.
The truth is, I am generally seen as aggressive. So when the mortgage company recently sent me bills ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS higher than usual, I questioned them. Usually a supervisor is called on me. Then I called the city and got the proof that my taxes DID NOT go up that much. But there was yelling. I am a natural fighter.
You know, this got me thinking...
But my mom occasionally reads my blogs and woe unto me if I tell on her.
;o)
Good posts, all!
I'm with you, Niobium. It's very lonely. For me, it happened when my mom had what was very nearly a psychotic break and ended up berating me severely in public. I went numb, as usual, but later I actually allowed myself to become intensely angry, for the first time in my life. I wrote her a letter spelling out what my boundaries were and how I was going to enforce them. It was very loving but firm. She flipped out (this WAS the first time I'd set boundaries, after all), and "disowned" me, my husband, and any grandchildren we "might bear her." My brothers followed suit so the only family I really have in my life is my dad. I've been grieving ever since. There's simply no way I'd go back to the relationships I had with my mom and brothers -- it would seriously compromise my mental and physical health -- and I know they won't change, so this is essentially the way it's going to be. But you are absolutely right, it leaves a great deal of loneliness and grief. :-(
Good comments winterwheat!
Excellent and well thought out advice. I could have done with your help a few years back!
Niobium, I can sympathise with your position, I also have no family contact, and it is indeed a lonely place to be. Sad thing is, you get used to it, and the consolation is that you can get on with your life without any fuss or bother.
You can choose your friends, but unfortunately you can`t choose your family!!
Hope you have lots of good friends to make up for it!
I work on what I call a long fuse...it takes someone crossing a boundary more than once before I react. I suppose its a bit like an invisible score card, the first time always gets the benefit of the doubt, the second time is noted, and then a moment comes where I feel I have to make it known to the person that they have pushed too far, and that it is not acceptable to me.
Once I`ve said my bit, I expect life to go on again, but with new boundaries for that person.
If I feel that someone is constantly deliberately and constantly crossing crossing boundaries with me in order to hurt or cause me problems, then I prefer to keep my distance from them.
I cut off relations with my family after years of insults which were under the guise of love and humor ("oh, come one, you know I love you, I was just kidding"). With my mother and brother, I reached a point of saturation and cut off my relationship with them.
Yes, I have good friends, but most live 2 hours away so I don't see them often. Making new friends, very very slowly. I find that as I get older, I'm picky-er and picky-er about the people I let into my life. I've been hurt by people whom I was friends with for years (I always say "no one knows how to hurt you like a friend), so one must "prove" themself to me in order to gain my trust and friendship, and it's a loooong process.
If a person is not in my family, I set by boundaries by just not associating with that person again. Maybe I should explain why to them, but I don't.
For family members, I write letters. If I speak, they might not hear, or they say I said something that I didn't. I prefer to write it down. "This, this, and that are what I am not going to put up with." I think I've done that to one person only: a niece who is always asking me for money. But I've written to her many times...cause she continues to ask for money.
I am a big fan of "the finger" when it comes to communicating my displeasure with something.
Iguana:
That works too--mostly on the road.
Nio (former Boston Driver =)
Another great post, Barbara. Interesting comments too -- and some silliness, which I personally always welcome!
What amazes me is how many families have members who DON'T SPEAK to each other any more! I really can't even imagine that.
If I love/care about someone, I will talk to them about boundaries when necessary, though sometimes I have to work up the courage to do this. I've done this more often with close friends than with family.
If I don't really love/care about someone, I guess I'm my mother's (Tan Lucy Pez's) daughter -- I just kinda let them drift away. I don't have enough energy to negotiate boundaries with people who don't factor much into my life. Is that wrong? Maybe.
I become very quiet and sad... i turn inwards and allow all my hate to build inside to the point of internal violence...
I always try to de-fuse my rage myself... if I let it externalize, I wouldn't be able to stop it...
Besides, a heart attack would be less stressful than a prison term or the needle... I can deal with an ulcer better than the electric chair...
how's that for candid?
Bohica,
I admire your honesty, and have come to respect your style.
Please do not have a heart attack!
It probably depends on who violated your boundaries and what your relationship is with them.
Every once in a while, I imagine it would be appropriate to punch them.
Most of the time saying that you would prefer not to go there/not talk about it/not doing it... works very well.
Sometimes its just best to walk away.
If I do get a heart attack, I hope someone gets it on film...lol
ps, I'm glad comments are back...
after giving this some thought -- i usually am quite lienient with boundaries. a recent incident where a friend kept overstepping mine was met with me not knowing how to respond. i wrote a letter back (as one was left for me) stating things clearly and not harshly. it was all taken the wrong way, but i felt it would have been twisted if i had done it verbally. at least this time it was written for others to see instead of just hearing one side or the other. now i'm learning to just let go of the friendship. i try, but i'm learning now to set boundaries.
i like how your blog entries are always so thought-provoking. (:
Ultimately, the real test of boundaries comes when we accept life, and people as it is and not as we want it to be. Then we can be truly free.
Hey, found you on blogger and just wanted to say thanks for the post. Ive had some trouble with relationships lately, so Im constantly thinking the thoughts that you posted! Appreciate it!
Do iguanas Have fingers?!!!
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