The Meaning of Death and the Nature of Burial
As this blog is somewhat of a personal diary for me, it seems only fitting, especially for myself, that I write about what has been going on with us here during these past few days.
My father passed away very peacefully, thank God. He went in the morning for his regular walk, got a hair cut, steped out to get the usual lunch for my mother, and came home. When he arrived he told my mother that he was feeling tired, and needed to go rest. He did not wake up thereafter. The cause of death seems to be from a blocked artery.
With the sudden death of my father, so much comes upon a child without preparation.For one, he lived in Las Vegas with my mother more than a five hour drive from here. When my brother called to tell me about his death, I realized that there were some tasks that had to be done from here before we could get to Vegas. My father was not religious, but both his parents were very Orthodox Jews, or as you may have heard by now, frum. My father left no instructions about how he wanted to be buried, including where, or and what matter. What I knew was that he wanted to be laid to rest in a Jewish cemetary and not cremated. We did not discuss such matters. So I was left to follow tradition from our religion, and look to how he buried his own parents. The first step I took was to call the Rabbi from the local Chabad, who God Bless this man, arrived very quickly to the home of my father, and was able to perform blessings before the coroner took away the body. This Rabbi did not ask whether my father was religious, what was his level of observance, he came to help because another Jew asked him to be there. Once the body was taken, the Rabbi told us the best place for us to go, and we followed his directions.
We then had to go to the mortuary in Las Vegas, as my mother and brother decided they wanted my father buried here, in California, to arrange to have his body transported to California in accordance with the laws of the state. Since this was done on Friday morning, and that evening was Shabbath, the body would not arrive here until sometime Sunday. So tomorrow, we have an arrangement with the mortuary here in California to have a meeting. Of course, this is a pure business for these people, and they insist on meeting personally, which is translated by we want our money before we make any arrangements. We will go tomorrow to make all of these arrangements. We left Las Vegas before noon on Friday so we could be here Friday night, and brought my mother along with us. She is disabled, so there were some difficulties that we did not expect. Since we have had a strained relationship for many years in some ways, she has made herself a bigger issue for the family than my father's death. I am thinking about Tan Lucy and her visit with Bonnie, and the issues that surfaced during that time. I understand completely, and those here are coupled with grief as well.
There are two aspects of death, always, those that apply to the living and those that apply to the manner, custom and method of burial and observance. It made me think about how I would want to be buried when it is my time to leave this earth. Although I live large (shopping, many fragrances, make-up all kinds of clothing, chakas), I truly believe that I want to die small. What I mean by this, is I want to be buried in a shroud (plain white burial gown) and be but in a simple pine box. And of course, I want to be buried in accordance with Jewish laws. I hope my son will say kaddish for me, but I do not know. My brother will not say it for my father, as he does not consider himself to be Jew at all in any manner. He married a non-Jew, and his daughter, who came here to visit us today, asked me what all of those unusual metal objects were, hanging from above our doors, and why the one at the front door was so shiny and large. Having five mezuzzahs, it seemed strange to her, and I realized that she, my niece, knows nothing about Judaism. Another demise by assimilation or apathy.
Many thanks to those of you who have expressed your heartfelt sympathy in this time of our loss. Your good thoughts and prayers have been a great surce of comfort to our family during this time.
Thank you for your minds.
My father passed away very peacefully, thank God. He went in the morning for his regular walk, got a hair cut, steped out to get the usual lunch for my mother, and came home. When he arrived he told my mother that he was feeling tired, and needed to go rest. He did not wake up thereafter. The cause of death seems to be from a blocked artery.
With the sudden death of my father, so much comes upon a child without preparation.For one, he lived in Las Vegas with my mother more than a five hour drive from here. When my brother called to tell me about his death, I realized that there were some tasks that had to be done from here before we could get to Vegas. My father was not religious, but both his parents were very Orthodox Jews, or as you may have heard by now, frum. My father left no instructions about how he wanted to be buried, including where, or and what matter. What I knew was that he wanted to be laid to rest in a Jewish cemetary and not cremated. We did not discuss such matters. So I was left to follow tradition from our religion, and look to how he buried his own parents. The first step I took was to call the Rabbi from the local Chabad, who God Bless this man, arrived very quickly to the home of my father, and was able to perform blessings before the coroner took away the body. This Rabbi did not ask whether my father was religious, what was his level of observance, he came to help because another Jew asked him to be there. Once the body was taken, the Rabbi told us the best place for us to go, and we followed his directions.
We then had to go to the mortuary in Las Vegas, as my mother and brother decided they wanted my father buried here, in California, to arrange to have his body transported to California in accordance with the laws of the state. Since this was done on Friday morning, and that evening was Shabbath, the body would not arrive here until sometime Sunday. So tomorrow, we have an arrangement with the mortuary here in California to have a meeting. Of course, this is a pure business for these people, and they insist on meeting personally, which is translated by we want our money before we make any arrangements. We will go tomorrow to make all of these arrangements. We left Las Vegas before noon on Friday so we could be here Friday night, and brought my mother along with us. She is disabled, so there were some difficulties that we did not expect. Since we have had a strained relationship for many years in some ways, she has made herself a bigger issue for the family than my father's death. I am thinking about Tan Lucy and her visit with Bonnie, and the issues that surfaced during that time. I understand completely, and those here are coupled with grief as well.
There are two aspects of death, always, those that apply to the living and those that apply to the manner, custom and method of burial and observance. It made me think about how I would want to be buried when it is my time to leave this earth. Although I live large (shopping, many fragrances, make-up all kinds of clothing, chakas), I truly believe that I want to die small. What I mean by this, is I want to be buried in a shroud (plain white burial gown) and be but in a simple pine box. And of course, I want to be buried in accordance with Jewish laws. I hope my son will say kaddish for me, but I do not know. My brother will not say it for my father, as he does not consider himself to be Jew at all in any manner. He married a non-Jew, and his daughter, who came here to visit us today, asked me what all of those unusual metal objects were, hanging from above our doors, and why the one at the front door was so shiny and large. Having five mezuzzahs, it seemed strange to her, and I realized that she, my niece, knows nothing about Judaism. Another demise by assimilation or apathy.
Many thanks to those of you who have expressed your heartfelt sympathy in this time of our loss. Your good thoughts and prayers have been a great surce of comfort to our family during this time.
Thank you for your minds.
10 Comments:
My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time. May you know better times and happiness in the futer.
If you want to you can say kaddish for your father. It may help clarify your feeelings. Regardless of what you do - know you've done the right thing and have honored your father's memory.
Re: your mother it is a difficult time for both of you especially if the relationship was filled with problems. Realize you can't expect rational behavior from someone who is basically irrational. Know that you are totally rational and she isn't. When you view things in this manner it does make it easier to bear. If possble try to make the peace - if not just know you've done the right thing and go on.
May you find peace and the answers to your questions. Don't let others define you - you're one terrific person and writer.
All the very best!
Barbara -- Will pray for continued strength for you as you continue on this journey of laying your father to rest and re-engaging with your mother. May you find peace, and may the people who surround you at this time be a comfort to you and your family.
(With regard to your niece, I hope this is an opportunity to introduce her to her heritage and history and religion...she may come back to Judaism by witnessing your love and devotion.)
queeniesmom,
I thought only a son could say kaddish for a father. Am I mistaken?
If not, it is something that may be helpful for me, and a good link to confort and peace.
What a great example of the power of the internet, that such personal things can be shared with strangers. Death is made much more difficult in our culture than seems necessary, we are not taught to consider it a natural part of life's cycle.
I admire your approach to this, may your searching lead you to places you never dreamed you would experience.
Barbara,
One thing that stands out in this entry was your father's lack of communication in regards to his wishes. This is a perfect time to have a sit down talk with your kids about your wishes, then follow up with a written note to each of them, including your husband.
How old is your neice?
Hi Barbara,
I've been thinking of you.
I'll continue to send prayers your way. Thanks for sharing with us how things are going.
Barbara,
May you be comforted among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
According to Conservative halacha, women are included in a minyan and say kaddish.
I used to attend morning minyan when I lived in LA. It was a small group, some core members and then those saying kaddish.
Apart from publicly sanctifying G-d's name, there was a lot of support in that chapel. To me, morning minyan epitomises the pure soul and spirit of Judaism, without the trappings. I hope that you find yourself a minyan to say kaddish with.
If you're interested in Conservative responsa on this question, go here:
http://www.responsafortoday.com/engsums/3_6.htm
Saying kaddish gets you the support of your community, you do not grieve alone, and is a powerful healing tool. Such is the genius of Judaism, in my experience.
Sorry about your Dad.
I agree about the shroud and the pine box, that's just what I want too.
And I'm not Jewish, but even I know what a mezuzah is. :-) We lived in a house that was owned by Jewish people and they left them behind. I always found them comforting.
I am sending you good vibes about re-connecting with your mom.
Queenie's mom:
Your words about rational and irrational behavior are indeed wise, and I appreciate them. I understand my mother's pain, and acknowledge that this is a difficult time for her as well. But she needs to accept that I too have lost my father, and that there are boundaries, an issue that seems to have escaped her during this lifetime.
I grew up thinking only a man could say Kaddish. This has stuck with me like glue, and it is strange, since I am not Orthodox. We do not live in an area where there is an active temple, so I do not know if I could find a place where there is a minyan, but you are most definitely right, that it may benefit me and issues that I have and honor my father at the same time.
Thank you for yoru words of comfort.
sorry, I didn't respond sooner. The issue of a woman saying kaddish in orthodox circles comes from the same issue of hearing a woman's voice singing or praying aloud. Hence the common misconception that women can not say kaddish. they may in orthodox circles if other men are saying kaddish and they are not heard above the men. I know of a number of women who are orthodox that go to say kaddish.
As the conservative movement counts women to minyon and doesn't have the prohibitions against a woman singing (hence female cantors and rabbis) you can definately say kaddish in a conservative shul.
Is there a hillel near you or an understanding chabad house nearby, they might let you say kaddish. i don't know how "liberal" chabad is on a woman saying kaddish provided a man is also saying it. (i'm probably considered modern orthodox but who knows, so I don't know what chabad's views on this are).
Re: Mom - setting boundries is always difficult. Extremely difficult when someone doesn't respect your boundries or care about them. It's nearly impossible if that person believes they're entitled. Ultimately you have to strive for the point that you can live with it. My husband & i reached this point with his father by recognizing that nothing we did would be recognized or acknowledged because his father believed it was due him by his right. we would look at each other and say the king has spoken. we currently do this with my mom only we changed it to the queen. this allows us some humor and levity. our other watch words are the irrational statement.
Sorry to say this but you're expecting rational behavior when you want your mother to acknowledge your pain. Yes you are in terrible pain but she's irrational and can't, won't, refuses to (pick the best phrase) to recognize this. by constantly viewing his father in the prism of irrational behavior, my husband was able to make the peace with his father.He said what needed to be said and was able to bury him without rancor.
for what it's worth i don't believe in coincidence. someone is trying to tell you something or is trying to give you a helping hand at this very difficult time in your life.
Sorry this was so long, hope it helped. May you know better times and only peace and happiness in the futer.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home